I'm doing it again. I'm looking for things to give rise to problems. What problems will arise? I'm looking for ways to control what's going to happen in the future. Not the steps I take but the things I know there is no way to control. I'm stocking my bomb shelter. Maybe I just can't allow for things to go the way they should whether they be positive or not. It's possible that I just prefer to feel certain ways and then point myself in that direction. The funny thing is that there are no problems to attend to or solve. There are no great dilemmas that need to be dealt with right now. Can I not just be content with feeling at ease? I'm getting all of the things I thought I wanted but now I'm questioning those desires. Once I realize that's what I'm doing then I start the self loathing. It's cyclical. So what comes first the chicken or the egg? Do I stay positive and happy only to allow myself to fall from that and stay comfortable there on the floor until I decide it's time to pick myself up again? I honestly don't know.
Some people seem to have an easier time staying and being positive. It's a matter of choice. It's a matter of the things you say to yourself. You can choose to look at things in a positive light or you can choose to be negative and unhappy. I sometimes think about my former self and the person I was two summer ago. I was constantly unhappy, constantly negative and completely lost. I don't want to go back there. Sometimes though I just look for ways to start conflicts. It's selfish and childish. I haven't done that yet but I feel like that's what is going to happen. To keep that from happening I've just been biting my tongue and internalizing. I know that's not a healthy way to cope with things but to avoid creating a mess in something that's not messy that's what I choose to do.
Fucking self fulfilling prophecy.
I need to just bombard my brain with positive thoughts...starting now.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Well that wasn't so f*cking courteous, was it?
Do you ever have weeks when you just wish you weren't a grown up? Those were the kind of thoughts I was having this week like, "why can't I just hang out in the toy aisle and play with the bouncy balls?" or, "do I really need to mail out these bills because I really would just rather go swimming?" Nothing about this week said, "start your new job, make a good impression and kick some ass." My ass felt like it had been kicked and I had very little motivation to do much of anything. My answer to that every morning at my new job was make and drink an entire pot of coffee. I just wound up jittery and distractible. On top of that I just really wanted to eat ice cream and be lazy because the heat and sun were just not agreeing with my body.
Anyway, the new job should be and will be discussed. So here's the gist of it, over 8 weeks I am expected to research and develop three "outcomes" that are a result of the efforts of the court appointed special advocates (CASA) in the state of Tennessee. Basically I need to find three relevant statistics that justify the funding and support that CASA gets from the government and private funders, easy right? Also my job entails learning the computer program used to collect data and notes from the advocates so that I can compile data and make it into some sensical piece of information that can be generalized and then published in order to promote the program. The first week involved me browsing the internet for information and trainings about the program which could be done in about 8 hours, I was given 40....yeesh. Needless to say I learned this week that sitting in an office at a desk for 40 hours isn't something my brain or body like very much. In fact my body rejected that idea for about 30 of those hours and I was constantly bouncing, readjusting, tapping my foot or getting up out of my chair. My coworkers probably think I have ADHD or an addiction to meth. Obviously I have neither I'm just used to being able to move or chasing kids for 8 hours and those things make the day go much faster. Eight hours at the new job FEEL like 8 hours for sure. It's made me start to worry about my career path and concentration in grad school because I will be more geared toward an office type setting rather than working directly with clients. Hmm. My coworkers are really nice and since I only have two I have less people to worry about looking like an idiot in front of. My boss is nice, very relaxed and seems pretty no nonsense which I always like. Unfortunately I do need to make sure I keep my language in check unlike with the last boss. I'm practicing replacement words to my favorite word, frick being the most commonly used. I will say that the office setting makes me feel very grown up which again, I don't really like. We shall see.
This week was CMA fest week which means I was in charge of the pup considering this is the busiest work for my sister and her boyfriend. Most of the week after my workday I hung out with the pup and went to the gym or the skatepark. For the weekend I had planned to hang with friends and see my friend Brandon's band at rocketown. I still did all of those things with the addition of a very attractive boy in my presence. Friday I got a phone call that came from a fortuitous opportunity making it so I wound up in the middle of downtown Nashville meeting my visitor in the thick of it all. The people watching for CMA fest would have been like an eye-gasm for me had I cared about it at the time, I was a bit distracted though with the surprise visit. So we took care of the pup and drove out to my friends for some drinks and games. The concoction of champagne and flavored vodka (I recommend water and lots of it before sleep) then led to adventuring the my friend's very closed and fenced in swimming pool. The boys jumped in the pool and I attempted to taunt from the outside with a squirt gun but ended up getting more soaked than they were. So those of us that weren't swimming played a rousing game of Skip Bo (which was the choice game of my great Grandma) next to the pool. Skip Bo at 1 a.m. makes it much more scandalous. The fun soon ended when a female "courtesy officer" scolded us like children and chased us out. None of us were rude or being assholes but she felt the need to ask rhetorical questions and be a dick. We left without making it an issue knowing full well that we shouldn't have been out there however her attitude made me want to be a dick right back. We're grown ups, ask us to leave and we'll go, don't be an ass about it. Saturday we played with the pup, went to Grimeys
Work this week will hopefully be a little more stimulating since it will involve me visiting different counties with the CASA program. 7 weeks of work, two weeks off and then I start graduate school....not that anyone is counting or anything.
Have a wonderful week :)
Anyway, the new job should be and will be discussed. So here's the gist of it, over 8 weeks I am expected to research and develop three "outcomes" that are a result of the efforts of the court appointed special advocates (CASA) in the state of Tennessee. Basically I need to find three relevant statistics that justify the funding and support that CASA gets from the government and private funders, easy right? Also my job entails learning the computer program used to collect data and notes from the advocates so that I can compile data and make it into some sensical piece of information that can be generalized and then published in order to promote the program. The first week involved me browsing the internet for information and trainings about the program which could be done in about 8 hours, I was given 40....yeesh. Needless to say I learned this week that sitting in an office at a desk for 40 hours isn't something my brain or body like very much. In fact my body rejected that idea for about 30 of those hours and I was constantly bouncing, readjusting, tapping my foot or getting up out of my chair. My coworkers probably think I have ADHD or an addiction to meth. Obviously I have neither I'm just used to being able to move or chasing kids for 8 hours and those things make the day go much faster. Eight hours at the new job FEEL like 8 hours for sure. It's made me start to worry about my career path and concentration in grad school because I will be more geared toward an office type setting rather than working directly with clients. Hmm. My coworkers are really nice and since I only have two I have less people to worry about looking like an idiot in front of. My boss is nice, very relaxed and seems pretty no nonsense which I always like. Unfortunately I do need to make sure I keep my language in check unlike with the last boss. I'm practicing replacement words to my favorite word, frick being the most commonly used. I will say that the office setting makes me feel very grown up which again, I don't really like. We shall see.
This week was CMA fest week which means I was in charge of the pup considering this is the busiest work for my sister and her boyfriend. Most of the week after my workday I hung out with the pup and went to the gym or the skatepark. For the weekend I had planned to hang with friends and see my friend Brandon's band at rocketown. I still did all of those things with the addition of a very attractive boy in my presence. Friday I got a phone call that came from a fortuitous opportunity making it so I wound up in the middle of downtown Nashville meeting my visitor in the thick of it all. The people watching for CMA fest would have been like an eye-gasm for me had I cared about it at the time, I was a bit distracted though with the surprise visit. So we took care of the pup and drove out to my friends for some drinks and games. The concoction of champagne and flavored vodka (I recommend water and lots of it before sleep) then led to adventuring the my friend's very closed and fenced in swimming pool. The boys jumped in the pool and I attempted to taunt from the outside with a squirt gun but ended up getting more soaked than they were. So those of us that weren't swimming played a rousing game of Skip Bo (which was the choice game of my great Grandma) next to the pool. Skip Bo at 1 a.m. makes it much more scandalous. The fun soon ended when a female "courtesy officer" scolded us like children and chased us out. None of us were rude or being assholes but she felt the need to ask rhetorical questions and be a dick. We left without making it an issue knowing full well that we shouldn't have been out there however her attitude made me want to be a dick right back. We're grown ups, ask us to leave and we'll go, don't be an ass about it. Saturday we played with the pup, went to Grimeys
Work this week will hopefully be a little more stimulating since it will involve me visiting different counties with the CASA program. 7 weeks of work, two weeks off and then I start graduate school....not that anyone is counting or anything.
Have a wonderful week :)
Friday, June 10, 2011
Holy socks! You're so wise!
Lately I've been having a lot of conversations with myself (inner monologue not schizophrenic ramblings) and other people about past relationships, boys, the challenges of relationships, blah blah you get the drift. Yesterday I spoke to my ex about relationships, expectations and feelings. It was an extremely productive conversation and it resulted in a therapeutic sense of release. It wasn't even awkward. It was calming to speak to someone that knows me very well and get some insights on how I work as a partner (or don't work in that case).
So today while at work I was chatting with my coworker after leaving the Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce to scope out an area to host a training (my job is so grueling- I know). I have a total of two coworkers and a Director so it's a pretty small crowd. My coworker, we'll call her Frenchy (cos she's been talking about her latest vacation to...you guessed it, France) was talking about her boyfriend and their relationship. She's been married and divorced and has no intention of remarrying or cohabitating with anyone else possibly ever. Then she pointed out that you look for people that fit your means, what you want out of them. That makes perfect sense of course because if your intention is to one day have kids or get married you're going to date people that are 'marriage material' or at least hope they are for your sake. She asked me about my relationship and if I thought it would go anywhere. She then said something pivotal and epiphany-esque that I felt the need to share it. She said that in her marriage and other relationships in the past she looked at the man's potential. She said 'it's great if a man has the potential to be successful or a great person or really smart but I was dating that person not the person that they will be in the future.' My brain imploded because I knew precisely what she meant by that. I am a repeat offender of that crime. In the past I always looked at a boy and said, "he's so smart and has so much promise or potential" and then I expected that person to come around and become those things I thought that they could be and then was disappointed when they didn't fulfill my expectations. DUH! Of course they aren't going to become those things if they don't have the drive to do so. I have the potential to be a lawyer or insanely thing but I'm not going to be those things because I don't have the motivation or willingness to do those things at this point in my life. How could I expect someone to be something if I don't have the desire to be the things they may want me to be. So it completely clicked. It was there in my head all along but until someone else spoke those words and explained it in that way it was just pieces floating around my head. Frenchy is a fucking relationship genius. That conversation made my day. EVERY single person I have dated in the past followed that line of thinking and now I understand why it didn't work (for good reason). They have all contributed in some way or another to who I am as a person and how I respond to relationships which for that I am thankful. I respect and appreciate all of them.
Along those same lines I was thinking about my current love interest and realized that I'm so happy with how things are going because I'm not expecting or waiting for him to become this amazing person. He already is an amazing person and if he didn't change at all I would be totally happy with that or if he decided to change for himself then I would support that fully. Thankfully I think he is on that same page with that. He likes me for who I am right now.
I am totally done talking about boys and relationships for at least the next thirty minutes ;)
Anyway, I hope that this made sense to at least one other person because I think that is an excellent piece of information that I learned today.
So today while at work I was chatting with my coworker after leaving the Rutherford County Chamber of Commerce to scope out an area to host a training (my job is so grueling- I know). I have a total of two coworkers and a Director so it's a pretty small crowd. My coworker, we'll call her Frenchy (cos she's been talking about her latest vacation to...you guessed it, France) was talking about her boyfriend and their relationship. She's been married and divorced and has no intention of remarrying or cohabitating with anyone else possibly ever. Then she pointed out that you look for people that fit your means, what you want out of them. That makes perfect sense of course because if your intention is to one day have kids or get married you're going to date people that are 'marriage material' or at least hope they are for your sake. She asked me about my relationship and if I thought it would go anywhere. She then said something pivotal and epiphany-esque that I felt the need to share it. She said that in her marriage and other relationships in the past she looked at the man's potential. She said 'it's great if a man has the potential to be successful or a great person or really smart but I was dating that person not the person that they will be in the future.' My brain imploded because I knew precisely what she meant by that. I am a repeat offender of that crime. In the past I always looked at a boy and said, "he's so smart and has so much promise or potential" and then I expected that person to come around and become those things I thought that they could be and then was disappointed when they didn't fulfill my expectations. DUH! Of course they aren't going to become those things if they don't have the drive to do so. I have the potential to be a lawyer or insanely thing but I'm not going to be those things because I don't have the motivation or willingness to do those things at this point in my life. How could I expect someone to be something if I don't have the desire to be the things they may want me to be. So it completely clicked. It was there in my head all along but until someone else spoke those words and explained it in that way it was just pieces floating around my head. Frenchy is a fucking relationship genius. That conversation made my day. EVERY single person I have dated in the past followed that line of thinking and now I understand why it didn't work (for good reason). They have all contributed in some way or another to who I am as a person and how I respond to relationships which for that I am thankful. I respect and appreciate all of them.
Along those same lines I was thinking about my current love interest and realized that I'm so happy with how things are going because I'm not expecting or waiting for him to become this amazing person. He already is an amazing person and if he didn't change at all I would be totally happy with that or if he decided to change for himself then I would support that fully. Thankfully I think he is on that same page with that. He likes me for who I am right now.
I am totally done talking about boys and relationships for at least the next thirty minutes ;)
Anyway, I hope that this made sense to at least one other person because I think that is an excellent piece of information that I learned today.
Monday, June 6, 2011
All that sass.
Tomorrow I start my new job, actually in less than 8 hours and the chances of me falling asleep soon are slim to none considering the level of anxiety I usually have when starting new things. On top of that I've been having some pretty strange and terrible dreams. So much so that I was told I sounded like a 'scared animal' whilst dreaming early Saturday morning. I don't recall at this point what they were about but I do remember a villain. I was probably fighting the ultimate battle of good versus evil.....or my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I hope for restful sleep at some point this week.
The last couple of days were spent completely enjoying being 'unemployed' (for like 6 days so I don't think that counts). Wednesday was my first day off and I spent it sleeping in and getting my apartment in some sort of working order considering cleaning has been significantly neglected over the past few weeks. I'm not a dirty person by any means but I was disorganized like woah. My closet looks like it exploded into my bedroom, bathroom and even part of my dining room. Suffice it to say I spent lots of time picking up and cursing myself for having so many clothes. After cleaning the next logical step was to go shopping (I need dressy summer clothes for the new job!) Luckily I didn't really find anything and I was annoyed that there is not really any good shopping within a 25 mile radius of my apartment. (Ahem....H & M I am still waiting for a store in Nashville....get on it!). Thursday I had a meeting for the new job where I had to get sworn into Americorps...a bit strange but hurrah for tradition. I then interviewed for a part time job and realized that I am in no qualified to work at a restaurant in the bible belt because a) I have no prior serving experience and b) I have gages and facial piercings. UGH. I understand looking presentable for a job (even a minimum wage job) but how I do my job is in no way effected by the size of the holes in my ears. If anything a 1/2" gage creates a larger surface area thus a bigger area with which to receive sound waves when the customer speaks. "What large ears you have" said the girl, "All the better to hear you with darling." Moral of the story, I'm good with people, I'm a hard worker, someone give me a job!
Thursday I saw Kung Fu Panda 2 by way of an incentive for kids at the community center in Louisville. It was fun and was so cool to hang out with kids that aren't forced into participating in things, so they actually enjoyed it. One of the girls reminded me of myself when I was a teenager, sassy. I think no matter what I end up doing long term as far as work goes I still very much want to be involved with teens. That way I can still go see movies intended for children and not look like a weirdo old woman at the theaters. Friday I spent the day out and about in Louisville. I finally made it to the skatepark there, which is gigantic and pretty amazing. I'm not sure what it is about that park that makes me a lot more ballsy but I swear when I skate there my inhibitions are lowered. (When it comes to skating that is) There are always two settings that I have zero issues talking to strangers. Live music venues and skateparks. Everywhere else I am an awkward ass and have trouble conversing but those places I will reciprocate or even initiate conversation with strangers. It's weird. Friday I also got to catch up with a good friend over the phone. I miss that kid and it felt good to know that we're still important to each other regardless of distance or circumstances. It's weird how much things have changed and how fast time has went since last August for the both of us. It's nice to have someone in a similar position with changes and experiences. We talked about how it seems like everyone has paired off and begun mating and it's rare to have a friend that's single anymore. I know it's an age thing because thats just kind of the cycle of life but it feels good to know I'm not the only one weirded out by it all.
Saturday I spent several hours outside sweating profusely in the sun and hanging out with a ton of kids at the community center festival. I wanted to help out and see how the center worked. Mostly I realized how ignorant I was/am to the refugee population not only in Louisville but Nashville. I can't imagine moving to a completely different country to start from scratch and not even have a real grasp on the primary language or knowledge of the politics and bureaucracy that surrounds integrating yourself into a population. The good thing was that the kids really seem to enjoy the adult attention and interactions and were not shy around me. I wanted to take some of them home with me they were so frickin cute. I resisted after contemplating the whole kidnapping thing as well as not even being able to keep plants alive. The world festival overall was a great experience and I'm glad I sacrificed my time and a sunburn to be a part of it. I'm really proud of the person that roped me into it.
Needless to say today I was quite sore and tired from all of the sun and running around the previous day so it was wonderful to just relax and be lazy all day until my drive back to Nashville tonight. The drive gave me time to think about things and appreciate the things that I have right now. I may complain about money or jobs or the terrible drivers around here but all in all I'm happy and have been basically since making the decision to leave Michigan. I just didn't realize how happy I could get considering my circumstances.
Have a wonderful week :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Hide the tube socks cos she'll be there
Have you ever stopped and thought about the way things in your life are going and wondered if things got better would it throw the Earth off its' axis? I don't remember the last time things in my life have felt so balanced and so optimistic at the same time. Sometimes it makes me nervous about what's to come, do all good things have to come to an end? Am I going to get thrown a curve ball and have to figure out how to hit a homerun? The major worries that I have had since moving to Nashville seem to be dissolving and things have begun to fall into place. Getting into grad school was a major relief, finding a summer job (even though the pay is terrible) decreased my stress level and maintaining my old and new friendships I don't feel will be a problem considering both sides are putting in the work.
So, it is now Tuesday May 31st, 2011. Today is the last day of my 10 month contract at Johnson school. Today is a day I didn't feel would ever come at some points during the school year. Throughout these 10 months I have spent much time and energy worrying and complaining about the level of functioning at the school. Many efforts were made to plant seeds in these kids only at times to have bleach poured on the soil from teachers and parents that just don't seem to understand the mental processing of adolescents. I struggled daily trying to understand the logic behind decisions that were made by the adults in my client's lives and much of it was nonsensical. Reflecting back on my time spent at the school I have learned a few things. One being there is a negative side to teachers' unions. Two being that no matter what efforts I make and the progress that ensues I have no control over anyone else's actions and need to prepare the best I can for the worst possible scenarios while still trying to be optimistic. Other than that I made some really good friends and acquaintances at work and will only continue to grow and develop as a social worker and keep on truckin'.
As for the week I spent it waiting for Thursday. When Thursday came nothing else mattered. My amazing friends from Michigan drove 8 hours to spend time with ME. All that way to spend 4 days in my company which is flattering I think. It made me feel loved. My friends and I spent the weekend playing putt putt (which I continue to suck at), seeing the Hangover 2 and drinking excellent varieties of beer. We made fun of each other and enjoyed each others company. We spent some time at the lake too which made me feel as close to home as I could get. It was a fun, relaxing weekend and it just felt natural and normal to be around them. They have no idea how much they ground me and keep me motivated. My best friend keeps me sane and standing on my own two feet due to her support and input. There were a lot of laughs, a lot of talks about sex and relationships and Michigan and old times. I sometimes worry though that they'll think that I've changed. I mean I have changed some but I think mostly for the better. They are amazing people that are accepting and not judgmental. They support my decisions and encourage me to do the things I really want to. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything. I want them to be as happy as possible and allow me to continue to be a part of their lives.
On a related note it's hard to have friends judge or be unsupportive. It hurts finding out that your friend make assumptions or thinks negatively of you. I understand that from the outside looking in things can get pretty skewed but sometimes you just have to let your friends make their own decisions and just stand behind them. Unless they're contemplating heroin addiction or suicide then maybe a little push in a different direction would be acceptable. Sometimes it's just straight up none of their business and regardless of their thoughts on the matter they have no place saying anything even if the motive is a means if protection. Sometimes it feels like some people in my life lack faith in my decisions. I'm 25 and though I don't have everything figured out I have lived a little and have learned some things. My growth as a person should not be stifled because you don't support my decisions or think my actions are in my best interest. I'm making the decisions for myself so they are for me alone. Let me learn. That may rub people the wrong way but at this point, fuck it I don't care. I'll get over it and move on, soon I'm sure.
Lately I've been thinking about relationship dynamics and how one person can effect another person. Take laughter for example (thats not a dynamic I know just serves the purpose for this), it's contagious. When you're around a person that is laughing and smiling and happy they tend to improve your mood. When you're around someone that's often negative and a naysayer you may see things in a more negative light (or they'll just annoy you). I want to be around people and spend time with people that are interested in self improvement and change. I want to surround myself with people that think critically and have their own opinions about things. Most of all I just want to be around people that have a great capacity for love and positivity. People that have those qualities make me a better person. A person that I have recently gotten close to makes me optimistic about people in general. I just stay happy and look at things in a different way than I normally would. This person makes me want to try new things and be more adventurous and experience life how I think it was meant to be experienced. When you find people that can bring that out of you it should be taken advantage of and you should keep that person close. I want to be one of those people.
So, it is now Tuesday May 31st, 2011. Today is the last day of my 10 month contract at Johnson school. Today is a day I didn't feel would ever come at some points during the school year. Throughout these 10 months I have spent much time and energy worrying and complaining about the level of functioning at the school. Many efforts were made to plant seeds in these kids only at times to have bleach poured on the soil from teachers and parents that just don't seem to understand the mental processing of adolescents. I struggled daily trying to understand the logic behind decisions that were made by the adults in my client's lives and much of it was nonsensical. Reflecting back on my time spent at the school I have learned a few things. One being there is a negative side to teachers' unions. Two being that no matter what efforts I make and the progress that ensues I have no control over anyone else's actions and need to prepare the best I can for the worst possible scenarios while still trying to be optimistic. Other than that I made some really good friends and acquaintances at work and will only continue to grow and develop as a social worker and keep on truckin'.
As for the week I spent it waiting for Thursday. When Thursday came nothing else mattered. My amazing friends from Michigan drove 8 hours to spend time with ME. All that way to spend 4 days in my company which is flattering I think. It made me feel loved. My friends and I spent the weekend playing putt putt (which I continue to suck at), seeing the Hangover 2 and drinking excellent varieties of beer. We made fun of each other and enjoyed each others company. We spent some time at the lake too which made me feel as close to home as I could get. It was a fun, relaxing weekend and it just felt natural and normal to be around them. They have no idea how much they ground me and keep me motivated. My best friend keeps me sane and standing on my own two feet due to her support and input. There were a lot of laughs, a lot of talks about sex and relationships and Michigan and old times. I sometimes worry though that they'll think that I've changed. I mean I have changed some but I think mostly for the better. They are amazing people that are accepting and not judgmental. They support my decisions and encourage me to do the things I really want to. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything. I want them to be as happy as possible and allow me to continue to be a part of their lives.
On a related note it's hard to have friends judge or be unsupportive. It hurts finding out that your friend make assumptions or thinks negatively of you. I understand that from the outside looking in things can get pretty skewed but sometimes you just have to let your friends make their own decisions and just stand behind them. Unless they're contemplating heroin addiction or suicide then maybe a little push in a different direction would be acceptable. Sometimes it's just straight up none of their business and regardless of their thoughts on the matter they have no place saying anything even if the motive is a means if protection. Sometimes it feels like some people in my life lack faith in my decisions. I'm 25 and though I don't have everything figured out I have lived a little and have learned some things. My growth as a person should not be stifled because you don't support my decisions or think my actions are in my best interest. I'm making the decisions for myself so they are for me alone. Let me learn. That may rub people the wrong way but at this point, fuck it I don't care. I'll get over it and move on, soon I'm sure.
Lately I've been thinking about relationship dynamics and how one person can effect another person. Take laughter for example (thats not a dynamic I know just serves the purpose for this), it's contagious. When you're around a person that is laughing and smiling and happy they tend to improve your mood. When you're around someone that's often negative and a naysayer you may see things in a more negative light (or they'll just annoy you). I want to be around people and spend time with people that are interested in self improvement and change. I want to surround myself with people that think critically and have their own opinions about things. Most of all I just want to be around people that have a great capacity for love and positivity. People that have those qualities make me a better person. A person that I have recently gotten close to makes me optimistic about people in general. I just stay happy and look at things in a different way than I normally would. This person makes me want to try new things and be more adventurous and experience life how I think it was meant to be experienced. When you find people that can bring that out of you it should be taken advantage of and you should keep that person close. I want to be one of those people.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Here am I floatin' 'round my tin can far above the world
Twice in a week is a bit much but I've had a lot on my mind as of late so I need to sort some things out, bear (not bare) with me.
So I discovered today that I now have a summer job, whew what a relief, right? Maybe not as much as one would think. It will be a great opportunity, a great resume builder and damn near slave labor considering what I'm being paid but that's part of Americorps' idea, they want you to know what it feels like to live in poverty.
So part one is great; a summer job in my field that has awesome hours and isn't that far from home.
Part two involves matters of the heart. Touchy subject, so much so that I rarely talk about such things. F*ck it. It's worth discussing because that's where my head has been for the last few weeks, up in the clouds.
Part one makes part two a little more tricky. Part one could have involved a job elsewhere affording me the opportunity to really explore part two. This almost sounds like a math problem at this point. If car one is traveling at a rate of...... Anyway, a tough decision had to be made and made it was much to the chagrin of all parties involved.
So now it's time to get creative and save what little money I will be making to pay for gas. It will be worth it, I know.
It will be worth it because of the way I have felt these past few weeks. A way I have not felt maybe ever. It makes me want to sing the Beatles "I wanna hold your hand" and skip around my apartment. Something I want to tell everyone and no one because it excites me and terrifies me at the same time.
I'm certain my close friends all think I'm crazy. I just may be. For once I know I am excited to see where things lead me instead of where I will end up. Sometimes you just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, even if you really want to floor it.
So I discovered today that I now have a summer job, whew what a relief, right? Maybe not as much as one would think. It will be a great opportunity, a great resume builder and damn near slave labor considering what I'm being paid but that's part of Americorps' idea, they want you to know what it feels like to live in poverty.
So part one is great; a summer job in my field that has awesome hours and isn't that far from home.
Part two involves matters of the heart. Touchy subject, so much so that I rarely talk about such things. F*ck it. It's worth discussing because that's where my head has been for the last few weeks, up in the clouds.
Part one makes part two a little more tricky. Part one could have involved a job elsewhere affording me the opportunity to really explore part two. This almost sounds like a math problem at this point. If car one is traveling at a rate of...... Anyway, a tough decision had to be made and made it was much to the chagrin of all parties involved.
So now it's time to get creative and save what little money I will be making to pay for gas. It will be worth it, I know.
It will be worth it because of the way I have felt these past few weeks. A way I have not felt maybe ever. It makes me want to sing the Beatles "I wanna hold your hand" and skip around my apartment. Something I want to tell everyone and no one because it excites me and terrifies me at the same time.
I'm certain my close friends all think I'm crazy. I just may be. For once I know I am excited to see where things lead me instead of where I will end up. Sometimes you just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, even if you really want to floor it.
Monday, May 23, 2011
"If I go there will be trouble and if I stay it will be double"
Watching punk kids two step and mosh in 85* weather to the Clash's "should I stay" played live by Anti-Flag is not something I would have seen myself being a part of at the age of 25. One because I'd never really had a desire to see Anti-Flag after 1999. Two because I didn't think I was going to make it to any shows in Louisville for the obvious reason that I don't live there and it's a three hour drive North for me. Lots of tattoos, piercings, mohawks, manic panic hair dye and black t-shirts, sometimes that just feels like home, or a blast from the past at least.
So I spent most of the week wishing it was Friday, which is pretty typical, but wished even harder because I had an exciting weekend to look forward to and didn't want to wait any longer. Thankfully I have one of the coolest bosses ever and she suggested I take Friday off of work, umm....hell yes! So after what seemed like the longest 4 days on the planet and the longest four hours babysitting on Thursday night (the kids are adorable I'm just impatient) I made the trip up 65. I made pretty fantastic time and got into town with enough time to grab a drink and meet some friends of the friend I was visiting. Bell's Two Hearted hit the spot famously and calmed my crazy nerves again. All said and done I was up for 24 hours on Thursday but it was absolutely worth it. Friday morning really kicked the weekend into gear and whilst getting ready for the day I got a phone call for an interview in Louisville...weird. So delicious Vietnamese sandwiches and some straight talk were the precursor to the interview which I feel didn't go as swimmingly as they usually do. I'm not sure what happened aside from the fact that I just felt out of my element which isn't usually a huge deal because I'm awkward at times anyway but not usually in those settings. I'll hear soon.
The weekend was split up between Krazy Fest (Defeater, Lemuria, La Dispute, Anti-Flag, Make do and Mend, and many more), a toddler's birthday party, BBQ's, house parties, board games, mopeds and we even squeezed in a movie. I'd like to think that's a pretty efficient use of time. It was pretty much me looking like a smiley nerd or talking myself into be more talkative even when feeling uncomfortable. I met a lot of really cool people. ANNND I learned how to drive a moped which I felt pretty damn good about considering my lack of confidence in two wheeled machines propelled by small motors. Plus of course the helmet (totally necessary for a max speed of 20mph) I'm sure looked super sexy.....It's also nice to have someone to explain and be patient with you.
To sum up the weekend in three not real words combining to make one: Amaz-za-zing. It's not a coincidence that the last three weekend have been fantastic, there is a definite theme within them all, "I'm down for whatever." I aim to live life more like that on a regular basis.
There were some strange and some positive interactions while spending time in the city. I was able to get to know a few people and really understand more about a person that connects all of those people together. I also had a 50 or 60 year old man hit on me by opening with a line about the bird necklace I was wearing and had a girl at the show tell me she's 'sick of dude friends' and then asked if we could be friends. Ha. Apparently I'm more approachable than I thought if I'm at a Kroger or a show at least.
This week is going to be rough for two reasons. Decisions. Decisions. It's also going to be super amazingly fantastic because my best friend is coming to visit and is bringing along the always amazing Scuba Steve. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh this is the sexy moped that I rode, it's super tough ;) I'm not a natural but I did ok.
So I spent most of the week wishing it was Friday, which is pretty typical, but wished even harder because I had an exciting weekend to look forward to and didn't want to wait any longer. Thankfully I have one of the coolest bosses ever and she suggested I take Friday off of work, umm....hell yes! So after what seemed like the longest 4 days on the planet and the longest four hours babysitting on Thursday night (the kids are adorable I'm just impatient) I made the trip up 65. I made pretty fantastic time and got into town with enough time to grab a drink and meet some friends of the friend I was visiting. Bell's Two Hearted hit the spot famously and calmed my crazy nerves again. All said and done I was up for 24 hours on Thursday but it was absolutely worth it. Friday morning really kicked the weekend into gear and whilst getting ready for the day I got a phone call for an interview in Louisville...weird. So delicious Vietnamese sandwiches and some straight talk were the precursor to the interview which I feel didn't go as swimmingly as they usually do. I'm not sure what happened aside from the fact that I just felt out of my element which isn't usually a huge deal because I'm awkward at times anyway but not usually in those settings. I'll hear soon.
The weekend was split up between Krazy Fest (Defeater, Lemuria, La Dispute, Anti-Flag, Make do and Mend, and many more), a toddler's birthday party, BBQ's, house parties, board games, mopeds and we even squeezed in a movie. I'd like to think that's a pretty efficient use of time. It was pretty much me looking like a smiley nerd or talking myself into be more talkative even when feeling uncomfortable. I met a lot of really cool people. ANNND I learned how to drive a moped which I felt pretty damn good about considering my lack of confidence in two wheeled machines propelled by small motors. Plus of course the helmet (totally necessary for a max speed of 20mph) I'm sure looked super sexy.....It's also nice to have someone to explain and be patient with you.
To sum up the weekend in three not real words combining to make one: Amaz-za-zing. It's not a coincidence that the last three weekend have been fantastic, there is a definite theme within them all, "I'm down for whatever." I aim to live life more like that on a regular basis.
There were some strange and some positive interactions while spending time in the city. I was able to get to know a few people and really understand more about a person that connects all of those people together. I also had a 50 or 60 year old man hit on me by opening with a line about the bird necklace I was wearing and had a girl at the show tell me she's 'sick of dude friends' and then asked if we could be friends. Ha. Apparently I'm more approachable than I thought if I'm at a Kroger or a show at least.
This week is going to be rough for two reasons. Decisions. Decisions. It's also going to be super amazingly fantastic because my best friend is coming to visit and is bringing along the always amazing Scuba Steve. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh this is the sexy moped that I rode, it's super tough ;) I'm not a natural but I did ok.
 |
| GRRR! |
Also on my mind are things that get me into trouble. Things that make me nervous and then run away. Or wonder when the sky is going to start falling down around me. Decisions and implications. Not allowing myself to be influenced by anyone or anything and just make the right decision for me. Thankfully they are all positive things and will lead to good outcomes, for the most part. I don't want to agonize and him and haw because that's just going to make things worse and I really just don't have to time to do that. I will say that it feels really good to be surrounded by people that support and care about me, even if they are being protective older sisters...errr...
I keep posting on Mondays because clearly if you're reading I'm living instead of just writing about it, which I feel ok with even if it screws up the rotation.
Today I had a job interview in Murfreesboro and it went really really well. It makes me wonder about things like balance, fate or being just plain right or wrong.
I'm ok with taking chances I just need to make sure I can stick the landing.
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