I'm doing it again. I'm looking for things to give rise to problems. What problems will arise? I'm looking for ways to control what's going to happen in the future. Not the steps I take but the things I know there is no way to control. I'm stocking my bomb shelter. Maybe I just can't allow for things to go the way they should whether they be positive or not. It's possible that I just prefer to feel certain ways and then point myself in that direction. The funny thing is that there are no problems to attend to or solve. There are no great dilemmas that need to be dealt with right now. Can I not just be content with feeling at ease? I'm getting all of the things I thought I wanted but now I'm questioning those desires. Once I realize that's what I'm doing then I start the self loathing. It's cyclical. So what comes first the chicken or the egg? Do I stay positive and happy only to allow myself to fall from that and stay comfortable there on the floor until I decide it's time to pick myself up again? I honestly don't know.
Some people seem to have an easier time staying and being positive. It's a matter of choice. It's a matter of the things you say to yourself. You can choose to look at things in a positive light or you can choose to be negative and unhappy. I sometimes think about my former self and the person I was two summer ago. I was constantly unhappy, constantly negative and completely lost. I don't want to go back there. Sometimes though I just look for ways to start conflicts. It's selfish and childish. I haven't done that yet but I feel like that's what is going to happen. To keep that from happening I've just been biting my tongue and internalizing. I know that's not a healthy way to cope with things but to avoid creating a mess in something that's not messy that's what I choose to do.
Fucking self fulfilling prophecy.
I need to just bombard my brain with positive thoughts...starting now.
No comments:
Post a Comment