Monday, November 26, 2012

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink

It's so dry in my house that every time I pet the cat it gives her and I an electric shock. You'd think I'd learn from it and stop doing it but she's so freaking cute I can't help it. Then I get that MGMT song stuck in my head 'shocked me like an electric eel, baby girl, turn me on with your electric feel' and that's bordering on creepy when I sing that to the cat. I sing to her a lot, badly, but with pure intentions. She’s awesome.
This last week was one high levels of stress and then levels of stress so minute that I wasn’t sure if I should worry about something. So I did. I worried about the house catching fire, someone breaking in, getting into a car accident and wondering if I forgot to turn in an assignment. Clearly I function more rationally when I am very busy and don’t have time to worry about bad things happening. Not that the low amount of stress was bad for me, it was quite enjoyable but I still needed to be engaged in something.
So after leaving a meeting on Wednesday I rushed home to visit with my parents and Aunt and Uncle whom stopped by on their way to Nashville. It was good to see them, just not long enough of a visit, however I will see them for Christmas. Once they got back on the road I immediately went to grab coffee and work on my paper that needed to be submitted before midnight, which was completely attainable since I’d be working on it for the last week. As I was completing a cover page and putting finishing touches on it Microsoft word decided it wanted to give me an aneurysm and shut down. Thankfully I had saved repeatedly in the process and was able to pull it back up after I got home and submitted it. Jason’s Mom and Step-dad had come to town while I was still working and were already there by the time I returned home as was Jen’s Mom. We had a full house and it was interesting to observe the different dynamics since the personalities were composed of a very broad range of individual. That night we drank wine and played games. ‘Twas a fun evening.
Thanksgiving Day was also Jen’s birthday so we celebrated doubly. We had really great food, of which I ate too much, and had birthday cake and watched football. It was nice to have a day committed to not being obligated to be anywhere for anything except to just enjoy the day. We went to the bar after the parents went to bed to get birthday drinks and chat.
Friday I got to sleep in a bit (yes!) and we spent the day getting things to improve the chicken coop and some other home projects. After getting supplies we went to Churchill Downs to check out the last weekend of the fall races. That place is crazy and I can’t believe I’ve lived here for 6 months and haven’t visited. I can understand how someone could waste an entire day there. It’s gambling at its finest and the person watching is amazeballs. I will go back there in the spring and take cash so I can sit and watch horses run in circles while drinking mint juleps or bourbon, smoking a cigar and pretending like I’m Bukowski. I’d say things like “
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” Or “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” Oh to be a writer and a drunk.
 The next two weeks I will be dedicating to finishing out the semester strong and really being effective and efficient regardless of how many hours I’m spending at work or my internship. I just need to push through and be a rock star on the rest of these assignments. (as I imagine a stadium of people chanting my name).
I still haven’t figured out when or how I am getting to Nashville and Michigan over the next few weeks but I’m ignoring those thoughts until after all of my work is done. I’m hoping to pick up extra hours at work so I can pay bills, buy presents, etc but I also need to go see family and friends. NEED is subjective, obviously.
Anyhow….things are great. I need to remind myself of that in 6 days when I am on the verge of a mental breakdown due to stress J
Have a fantastic week. 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

being awkward: a biographical tale

I'm in the midst of writing a paper and pretending that it isn't due in a few short days. My mind wandered, and it got me thinking. 
I'm fairly sure that most of the people that I have met in the last few years wonder if I even have a personality. The others wonder where it goes 70% of the time. I would consider myself the type of person that warms up very slowly to other people. Very slowly. Unless there is an odd connection or similar interests that creates large amounts of conversation, like music or social work. My best friend and I didn't like each other when we met, slowly over time we became better friends. After 6 years I finally feel comfortable saying anything that is on my mind, anything. I feel that as I've gotten older I've gotten a little better about this, but it is still a slow process. I've also realized then if I don't speak up it just leads to frustration or anxiety. I guess what got me thinking about this was the fact that even though I've been in Louisville for six months now, I don't feel connected to anyone that I didn't already have a connection with before moving. The two people I still confide in are just geographically closer now. It seems that I don't really know how to make friends with people now that I'm older. There are all sorts of people that I have met here that I really like, but it doesn't extend past the context in which we have met. Sometimes I wonder if the conversations I have with some people are just obligatory because it would be rude to be in close proximity and not make conversation. In most social situations I sit there and wonder, in a very adolescent kind of way, if these people have any interest in getting to know me. Then I just remain quiet and look like the shy girl that doesn't have any opinions or I make weird statements because my sense of humor is strange. Then I get all red-faced. I have the opportunity to over-analyze these interactions and wonder if I even want to be around other people. I'm going to end up like Thoreau or Kaczynski and hole up in a shack in the woods doing math problems or writing metaphors about ponds.
I guess it's just really about courage. The courage to be myself around people and make an effort to connect. If I can't do that then I only have myself to blame. I can completely understand how people become shut-ins and collect things like vintage furniture or cats. If given the opportunity I would do both.
Anyway....odd thoughts.
This past week was much of the same. Work, school, work. 

My supervisor has made several remarks about how well I've been doing, my executive director has made remarks about hiring good interns. I blush a lot at my internship lately. 
Last night we went out to celebrates Jen's birthday since her actual birthday is on Thanksgiving. We went to a Moped Thanksgiving potluck where Jen and I both drank our weight in alcoholic slushies. We ate lots of great food and socialized. It was a good time. Jason drove us to the bar and then to another where we danced and people watched. Jen had fun which was the main objective. We've all got family coming down this week so I've made an extensive list of things to do before that happens. Now finding time to complete that list is going to be the interesting part. It will get done. I just need to stop wasting so much time on the internet. Oops.
Things that are awesome:
Booze slushies
Dancing (however awkward it looks)
sleeping in
having 3 weeks left in the semester

my hetero lifemates (Jason and Jen)
new music
old music
singing in the car
days off
dressing up
comfy sweaters
finger-less gloves

Have a great, overindulgent week :)

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Play needs to outweigh work

Lately it's been harder and harder to be productive when I need to be. I did not have a day off this week and it doesn't appear that I will for at least another week unless I can get my shift covered next Sunday. My school work is suffering and I am behind in one of my classes and putting in minimal effort in the other two. I hate to admit that. I've had allergy symptoms for over a week and haven't felt 100% because I'm wearing myself thin. I know there is an end in sight to this but the day-to-day is just rough. I really am liking my internship and I feel like that is the only venue that I am putting in any effort. l'm significantly failing my own expectations. I can feel that ball of anxiety quietly growing and eating away at me, making me question everything else. My bad habits and self soothing techniques are coming to a head making me feel even worse. The only thing I can think about lately is getting out. Plotting my escape route and getting away from all of the stress. I've been craving a trip to Michigan or Nashville but can't figure out a way to make those happen because I feel like all if my time is completely consumed with these other obligations. It's that repetitive cycle of stress and anxiety leading to more stress and anxiety. It doesn't feel good. 
I know the things I'm supposed to do to make stress more manageable, as do most people; eat healthily, exercise, get adequate sleep and take the time you need in order to relax. That's the kicker, it's finding the time. TIME. What a joke. I barely had time to get the tire replaced on my car after it went completely flat from a massive hole was ripped into it after running something over. ugh.
Ok so in an effort to not be completely negative and complain-y, here are some good things:

-we were able to help out a young family after their van ran out of gas, they were super nice and we realized that they lived quite close
-I got new boots, brown...not sure yet if I love them
-I'm going to get to see my parents for Thanksgiving, even for a short while
-I realized tonight that I needed to take a break and my best friend came to the rescue
-My T-Rex necklace is a hit amongst the coffee customers
The week was all work and no play until Friday. We had moped kids over and played Cards Against Humanity. I laughed til my eyes watered during the game and went to bed early because I needed it. I listen to my body sometimes. I'm hoping we can find time to play again soon. 
Sometimes you just need to realize when it's ok to get silly and dance around the house or play games or kick leaves around. When I left work today there was a massive collection of leaves perfect for jumping into. There were people around so I just kind of kicked around as I was walking to my car. The crunching under my converse was a satisfying sound that made me think for just a second that nothing is really that serious right now. My life is relatively easy compared to most, even though I struggle and get down, sometimes you just need to trounce through a pile of leaves to make that smile spread across your face.
I'll make it and by the time May comes around I'll look back and understand the stress and frustration paid off. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

jazz hands

Let's be honest, I'm using this blog as a vehicle for further procrastination of a HUGE school assignment that's due in two days. There is still so much to do but the majority of the day has been me fighting to stay focused, non-working internet when we were out and then a work meeting thrown in the middle. I should have started much sooner today but too many good distractions kept me from doing such.
So apparently November is the month that everyone gets all thankful and positive and whatnot. Facebook reflects this notion with daily posts that began on the first of November stating things that people are thankful for. I've also had friends take a different approach to this and make weekly lists of things that make them happy or feel more positive. Don't get me wrong, I think these things are great, but is it just one of those things that people are going to forget to do after the holidays are over? In private, in my own life I have attempted to make a habit of pointing out the positive things. I began doing this after going through a really rough time and seeking out help. It is especially helpful during bad days or bad weeks. It's also hard to do when you're in the throws of a tumultuous, hormone imbalanced day and you just want to cry or sulk. It's funny that the days when you need it the most are the days when you struggle to use it. I'll be the first to admit that it irritates the crap out of me when in the midst of an adult tantrum (the furious, silent kind) someone suggest to just 'focus on the positives'. However, I have noticed that practicing this habit of looking for the positives or the things that make you smile can make those bad days or hours a little easier to transition out of. I haven't done any research on this theory but I'm guessing that is what has helped me.
It's nice to have that little reminder though. It's never a bad thing to have someone ask, 'hey, what makes you happy?' I think people don't do this enough. So I commend my fellow social media friends for making an effort to reflect on those things. Sometimes telling myself "it could be worse" is too general to really fully reflect on what is going well, what is making me happy and how to be more happy with the limited time and resources that I have.
So, to follow suit I will include MY list at the end of this thing.
In the meantime let's wrap up the last week. I worked, and worked for free, and worked some more for free and some more for pay. And studied. I went to trivia on Monday night where I was in a gross mood. And worked up intol yesterday (last night) which was was just what the doctor ordered. Not a real doctor, no doctor would advise the abuse of bourbon that occurred. However, for my soul it was a good night. We laughed and danced our butts off and talked and danced some more until the wee hours of the night. I don't dance often but when I do, its ridiculously and out of rhythm. I'm ok with it. Next week it shall be more of the same. I will work hard and smart and come out of it ready to relax.

So for the list of things that make me smile/happy/content/warm/cozy or just darn positive.......
my roommates (Jason and Jen)
my awesome family (near and far)
Basement Cat (BC) cuddles
knowing that I'm getting closer to my career goals
soft blankets and tiny heaters
hot showers
a clean house
clean sheets

not wearing pants
feeling smart
nerdy games

completing school assignments and hitting that 'submit' button
Tina Fey

music-new and old
listening to anything on vinyl
free time

coffee in a giant ceramic mug
my porch swing
the silly chickens in the backyard and letting them eat out of my hand
making food for my loves
crunchy leaves on fall days
listening and reflecting
finding new passions

local honey and foreign tea
therapizing (it's a thing)
'catch-up' phone calls with long distance friends
dreams of travelling
the ability move freely, speak about the things I care about and advocate
the notion that there is still so much to do and see
a new hair-do (some day...)
long walks
those first days of Spring where EVERYONE is smiling
Michigan State's campus

Babies that I can hand right back to their mothers
my boyfriend's thoughtful acts
my best friend's ability to make me laugh