Sunday, March 27, 2011

You can't polish a turd

I think bragging about the weather last week jinxed me because the weather has been cold and wet for like 5 days in a row. Gross.
We're going to start with the positives for the week because lately it's been a little hard for me to focus on those things. I didn't die or get into a horrible accident that maimed my face or limbs. I still have a job (though at this point I'd almost rather not) and my family and friends are healthy and safe. And I made another dude friend via another dude friend. Those are all super awesome things.
Things that I will be doing in the next two months will include finding another job at the end of the school year, going to Louisville for Krazy Fest (the name lacks creativity but the line up looks phenomenal) and hopefully going to see some of my Michigan friends and see my cousin's new baby (that is currently still in the oven). My friend and her family moved to Atlanta and I will be visiting them soon as well. It looks as if pending any disasters I will have some things coming up to look forward to and get me through the work weeks. Nine weeks left.
30 Rock has completely consumed me and I see my life heading in the direction of Liz Lemon's without the huge paycheck.
In the meantime it's staying positive and not punching mouthy teenagers.
We're keeping it short and sweet this week because I'm lacking creativity and nice things to say about much of anything right now. Oops. I will say that I love that Jen and Stewie are still keeping me sane all the way from Michigan.
These things make me smile:

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Well I'm not asking if you're not asking..........

I'm sitting on my patio and it's still 80 degrees outside, haha, Oh I don't miss Michigan today. 
I thoroughly enjoyed not working this week even at times when I'd look at my watch and realize it was 6pm and I had done nothing at all productive. I can't really imagine not having a job at all though. I would probably go stir crazy and decoupage (a fancy word for pasting) pictures of birds onto my coffee table (the thought crossed my mind at one point). Thankfully the weather has been improving and has kept me from hand sewing pillows in the shapes of cats or other weird shit that I think about on a regular basis. All of these things would be cool if I had any artistic knack at all. I don't and most of my projects end up unfinished or looking like a 8 year old's art project. I get lucky sometimes. 
When I wasn't dreaming up macaroni necklaces and paint by numbers I was out and about looking for ways to stay busy and spend way too much money. I ended up at the cafe during the day quite a bit reading with iced coffee. I started another Bukowski, I don't think I like this one as much as the others but we'll see I suppose.  Most of the nights were spent hanging with the boys and people watching. St. Patty's day was kind of a bust due to poor planning and the MSU loss. And the beating up on each other. And the whining. I'm all about complaining but if there's something I can do to change a situation I typically won't whine I just go and do it. Anyway, I spent a bunch of time with my sister and her BF over break as well which was cool because we crack each other up and are sarcastic assholes to each other. Sometimes people in the South are a little too nice for my liking and I just feel the need to be a jerk. I've also had more instances of talking to strangers (they initiate) and then they overshare. No, I don't want to know about your girlfriend that is going into the Marines and you basing your decision to go back to school on her, please just finish ringing up that tank top I'm buying. During the same shopping trip another girl ringing me up told me I smelled like I just got out of a bath tub. After thinking for a second I stated 'Well ok, at least I don't smell bad,' she clarified by saying 'No, you smell really good, like fresh.' I likely looked confused and maybe a little nervous. What do you say to that? That's just awkward. At least I thought it was. 
My week was accompanied by the nagging want for things I shouldn't have, a growing addiction to iced coffee and an unhealthy focus on telling myself that 'he's just not that into you.' (That's what the book said right?) I obsess about things, I always have because I've come to realize that is just my personality. I hyperanalyze until all the angles are inspected to death. It's bad for me but at this point that's one of the few unhealthy habits I will allow myself that won't cause me to get fatter or develop lung cancer.....Sigh......Can't I just get what I want? Kidding. 
I will continue chugging along and looking for forms of entertainment along the way. Not in the form of country music because I continue to keep from catching the evil plague that circulates this city. This city that I am beginning to love in spite of being known for terrible music and bible thumpers. 
sidenote: They seriously have the biggest bumble bees here I have ever seen. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

Like a non-murderous Manson Family

I awoke at 6am this morning from a dream about my teeth rotting out. In the dream I asked my best friend to look for me because I didn't have a mirror and with the disgusted look on her face I knew it was what I feared. Upon waking up I felt it necessary to go directly to a mirror and explore my mouth with my tongue searching for a crack or crumble. Thankfully my teeth are still intact. I then realized that I was a half hour behind and didn't think about it any further until I got in my car on the way to work. It was an extremely vivid dream and it stuck with me a little longer than most dreams do.   I don't feel very strongly about Freud's theories because I have no interest in having sex with a family member (Was he from Southern Austria?--kidding?) but I do think there is a link between dreams and your waking life. Most of the time I don't sleep enough to get to the dream stage of the REM cycle (or something--I could be making that up) so I don't remember dreams frequently. Anyway, this has gone on too long as it is. The point is that dreams about teeth are often associated with anxiety (who would have guessed!) about your physical appearance or a social setting. I was alone at a show yesterday, thinking about an old friend and feeling a little out of place. Hmm.
I don't remember much about last week except for the fact that I wanted it to end swiftly. And that 3 out of the 5 days started with being called at bitch at 7:05am. That pretty much sets the mood for the day when that happens.
Wednesday I went to 12th and Porter to see my sister's BF play a show. I stayed out way too late for a weeknight but it was totally worth it because we all had a good time. I like making new friends.
I did babysit again this week which was pretty fun. I wanted babies for like 2.7 seconds and then I remembered I have a difficult enough time being responsible for me so it probably wouldn't work. The nice thing about babysitting is that you get to give the children back. I really like the ages of the kids, two and four, because it involves more effective communication. I am not a mind reader so I don't know what crying from a baby means. The garbles between sobs of a toddler can be interpreted after a few tries of asking..."What's that? You want a gun gun? What the hell? Oh Bun Bun-of course the stuffed rabbit." Toddlers don't often ask for guns or give them cute pet names. None that I've come across anyway. For whatever reason the kids seem to have taken a liking to me and we have a blast. It probably helps that I act like a child and enjoy coloring as much as the next four year old. Hopefully I get to do it again soon.
The crazy weather changed again and I ended up congested and lethargic over most of the weekend. Saturday's weather was super nice so I went for  a lengthy walk with my friend ignoring the protests from my agitated knee.
Sunday involved me meeting my sister for ice cream after the notion of her making me dinner was introduced then she later reneged. That's ok, there was still good conversation and doing what we do best with each other-bitching. I discussed a situation with a particular friend and complained about progress being that of the pace of a special Olympic hurdler. She didn't find it funny and I probably offended the woman within earshot. I still laughed. After ice cream I went to the Exit/In by myself to see Kevin Devine, River City Extension (RCE) and Ocean is Theory. I've seen RCE before though it didn't appear that anyone in Nashville had so it was kind of cool to watch the crowd go from disinterest to dancing in three songs. They are so freaking happy and wholesome, it's weird. Their attitudes are totally contagious though so it's hard not to sing along and clap and dance around with them. For the last song they took an acoustic guitar and tambourine and drum into the audience and played their farewell song. The crowd loved it. They remind me of a band of hippies spreading love and peace from venue to venue. A modern day non-evil Manson family if you will. Only Charles Manson himself could leave that show without a smile on his face.
(Ok Manson kind of intrigues me, shut up.) I bet they all live together in a commune when they aren't touring.

Oh so this week is SPRING BREAK!! And I'm pretty psyched about it and the trouble it may bring. Good trouble of course, that's the only kind I get into. 
Have a wonderful week :) I know I will. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

I ain't no forgiver forgetter

I swear one day I'll work up the nerve to say what's on my mind to everyone that I want to say it to because holy hell would I feel a lot better. The only thing that stops me is tact and dealing with the consequences.
Trailer Park Boys and Third Rock from the Sun have consumed all of my free time when it's raining or dark out. I sure do love Netflix. My knee has been driving me crazy lately and it's been difficult to run on. I feel like a 90 year old woman some mornings it's so stiff. So I've pretty much been a sloth watching tv shows and eating too much. Ugh. I'll be glad when it starts to warm up and gets a little drier outside, I'm pretty sure it's the moisture in the air that's making me miserable. I need to move somewhere dry like Arizona or Nevada or maybe just go to a doctor....meh, we'll see.
This week consisted of a lot of patience and self control at work. I didn't need as much as I thought when it came to babysitting four and two year olds. That was actually kind of fun. I have 6 work days left until spring break and need to practice the same tolerance this week. I still haven't decided if I'm heading to Michigan for a few days. There are things I could be doing here and there is still crappy weather and snow on the ground up North...not really vacation weather. I do very much want to see my friends though. My friend Julia had her cousin and three of his friends visit over the weekend so we offered to show them around Nashville and take them downtown. All of them were younger and still in college making their tolerance for alcohol and spending money much higher than ours. This resulted in too many drinks, piggy back rides in the street, yelling at strangers, getting molested and turning into the responsible one and making sure everyone got home safely. Those boys wouldn't make it if it weren't for Julia and I, I swear. After finally getting home at after 4am I was in serious need of sleep and did so for 10 hours. I woke up Saturday afternoon feeling extremely old and wondering how I used to do that every weekend in college. I reluctantly went out Saturday night with little intentions of staying out for long. Somehow I got roped into sitting at the bar at the Wildhorse with Jason and being fed drinks and shots by one of the Best Bartenders in Nashville (not based on my opinion, though I would say the same, he was awarded that by a newspaper). It's nice to hang out with people who know people but it's bad for my liver and self control. My sister had to drive my drunk ass home at 3am...bad news bears. So the weekend was pretty much a bust for getting anything productive done but it was fun, it just won't be repeated anytime soon. Actually a drinking hiatus would probably be a good idea.
This week just needs to go extremely fast and that is my only want.
Also on an unrelated note I will say this. Life has a funny way of unfolding. We have plans and expectations for things but when it comes to people it never quite works out the way you'd expect. I need to tell myself I don't want the things I actually do so I will get them. I don't want the things you offer. I want what I can't have.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Your heart always seems in the right place at the wrong time (explicit)

Today I've thought a lot about frustration tolerance and making concessions. At my job I've learned over the last four years that when working with teenagers (especially at-risk) that a lot of patience is needed and concessions will be made. It's completely acceptable to have expectations for people and teens need those expectations of them (and children in general). What was hard to learn was that progress is a sloooooooow process that involves making all kinds of exceptions. When a client calls you a 'fucking bitch' every day it's extremely hard to bite your tongue but eventually after patience and redirection and consequences it turns into 'bitch' and then maybe after more of that they will start calling you by your name. Baby steps. I've pretty much become immune to the words bitch, ho, fuck, nigga, etc. I was called a cracker today which I don't get too often so it was a nice change of pace. It's extremely hard not to be sarcastic with the kids as well, I almost said 'thanks' after being called a name but decided I'm around too many concrete thinkers to be facetious. Asshole is my favorite moniker for clients that are grating my nerves, and this is said in my head and often times after I say it in my head I end up telling myself that it's what they learned not necessarily who they are so knock it off. There's a whole lot of dialogue going on in my head on a regular basis at work. It's a frustrating process because you know that children aren't born disrespectful or defiant it's what they learn growing up. Most of the time I just want to kick parents. 
In relating to my life in general I don't have much tolerance or patience, either that or I use all of it up at work and don't have any left for anyone else. That explains the demise of the relationship with the boyfriend I lived with a few years ago, I'd come home from work and all of my patience and support would have been used up with none left for anyone else. It's hard to be in a successful relationship when you spread yourself too thin. I find myself yelling at other drivers or calling them names, sometimes names I've gotten from the kids. Though I can't say I've called anyone a 'pineapple head looking ass.' Too many syllables when you need something concise and biting. In my personal relationships I have high expectations for people but don't give them the same thought or concessions as I do the clients I work with and it's rare that I say 'so and so is probably just having a bad day.' Instead I act like a dick and shut them out if they disappoint me. Sounds familiar....It also kind of makes me wonder if I can be a good friend, girlfriend, sister, etc if give all of my patience and tolerance to my clients. Unfortunately I think if I had more patience for some things in my personal life I wouldn't be struggling with some of the things I'm experiencing right now. It's hard to be patient when you have no idea how long you'll have to wait. 
I don't like the idea that I can't improve people and that they have to improve themselves even if they can't understand why it's needed. I realize that sounds arrogant but I don't pretend to know what an ideal person acts like or looks like. I just look at the kids I work with and it breaks my heart that had they had the right support or childhood they could be in completely different places right now. It's not fair that they have to suffer for their parent's decisions. It constantly makes me wonder why my life has seemed to have been so easy compared to other peoples. It's frustrating and motivating. Mostly I just want to kick more parents.