Sunday, November 27, 2011

I'm in love with every single moment.

If you haven't already checked out the new Los Campesinos' album you probably should get right to that...after you read this of course, or skim for any ignominious or sordid details....which are few and far between. 
Anyway, weekly wrap-up is a-go! 
And I did what most people in the United States did this week which was bide my time at work and school(while being wholly unproductive)until I could get out of dodge to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any excuse for a 5 day weekend is fine by me be it colonization, Jesus' birthday or zombies, I don't care. I hitched a ride up to Louisville with some friends that were on their way to the mitten. My Pontiac is probably still thanking them for being able to avoid that drive for another weekend or so. Once in Louisville we did the normal Wednesday thing and went to the Wrench for moped night then went on to see the Muppet's at which point I was pretty damn tipsy from shots and a few bourbon and gingers. I don't think that affected my judgment of the movie and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Thanksgiving day resulted in heading to a friends to watch the Lions/Packers game and eat way more food than any human should. It was glorious except for that whole Lions losing part. J and I made sides to take to the gathering, both of which were delicious. Apparently I make a pretty mean brussels sprouts dish. We left late afternoon and friends came over for board games. Everyone was in a food coma. 
I avoided the Black Friday madness for the most part by sleeping in extremely late and hanging til the boy had to work. After 5pm I ventured out to pick up some things for the house to make it a little more Christmas-y. I went to Target and decided to break down and get one of the motorized carts because there was no way for me to carry what I needed to buy. I have avoided it for about 5 weeks but decided to just suck it up and ride that little Amiga til the cows came home, or til I was done shopping. The store wasn't very busy but that didn't stop people from standing in the middle of aisles talking on their cell phone and ignoring my inability to get around them. Or looking at me with disdain. Or laughing because the cart beeps when it reverses. Ohh dear God please don't make me do that again. On top of that, from the sitting position I wasn't able to reach some of the things on the shelves so I had to awkwardly balance on my good foot and lean on the cart as I attempted to gather my things. I prefer the callouses on my palms from the crutches times a thousand compared to using that thing. I lack the self-confidence and 60+ years that require the usage of the Amiga. You win. 
Saturday we drove over to Lexington so I could spend some time with my best friend. She was there visiting family and I was able to steal her away for a few hours to watch football and drink beer. It was exactly what I needed. I'm glad we were able to pull it off. Sometimes I think it's hard for people to understand why so much of my heart is in Michigan and why I try so hard to keep these friendships going. In the year that I have been in Nashville I haven't made the connections to people that I have in the past though I have met some amazing people and would love to continue to cultivate those friendships. I'm sure part of that is a lack of effort but it may also be that I just haven't met anyone quite like the people I love in Michigan. I'll try to remain open to any of it.
The rest of Saturday we had drinks and played nerdy games with folks and I fell asleep on the couch while J played Zelda at 3 a.m. He makes me laugh. Sunday we slept in then the boy made stir fry as I sat and watched cos I'm spoiled. He also had to fix the bottom of one of my crutches because I wore out the rubber stopper on the bottom. Woops. I'm constantly reminded through selfless acts of how lucky I am to have such a thoughtful, caring person in my life. Alas, I had to face reality once my friends got there to whisk me away back to Music City. And it rained and rained and rained and is probably still raining right now. I'll be glad when the sun decides to reappear and keep the floors dry and slip-free. 
Ankle update: I'm too lazy to take off the boot and take a picture because there are a bazillion velcro straps but I will say that the swelling has been steadily decreasing aside from the swollen parts of my ankle that will likely remain for quite some time as my body accepts that the metal plate is there to stay. It only appears overly swollen if I've been on my feet too much but I feel that in my whole body. Ten more days til the doctor's appointment. Oh yes!
This week is the end of my semester officially and will include finishing up hours at my practicum and a take home exam. Hallelujah! Then just hanging around Nashville until after the surgeon tells me what's next. We shall see.
Have a fantastic week, I know I will. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

But I'm stumbling around, with one foot on the ground.

Since Monday I have been counting down the days until Thanksgiving Break as well as the day of my appointment with my surgeon to find out if I can ditch these crutches in a little over two weeks. It feels like it rained a majority of the week though I think my perception of that is a little skewed because this weekend I got about 24 hours of sleep. I think my body is trying to tell me something.
I spent most of my time this week finishing up school things and going to my internship. Neither of those things were very noteworthy. I looked for ways to create more work for myself at my internship because I get bored very easily when not attending meetings. I spend time sitting in my office researching workforce development and policy that effects employment and unemployment benefits. Don't get me wrong, it's quite interesting but doing that for hours on end can get a bit tedious. I'm beginning to realize I am not a researcher. Also i don't think workforce development is my niche. I'll find it, hopefully next year at my next field placement. I also spent a lot of time at Starbucks reading for class. I also realized that staying in Starbucks for any great length of time leaves you with an odd smell on your clothes. I haven't quite figured out what the smell is but it's not a great smell. This is not limited to the Starbucks I frequent, I went to a different one this week and noticed the same thing. It's like a sour milk smell mixed with baking bread. It's the oddest thing and annoys me to no end. I could easily solve this problem by sitting outside or just not going but then that leaves me studying at home which then means watching hours of Law and Order on DVR. Not good. 
Other than the mystery smell the week went on as normal. 
Friday, however, ended in a place I usually avoid like the plague. Church. Backstory: My friend plays bass with the band at his church. He seems to really enjoy it and has asked me more than once to come watch him. This is also the church that a few of my other friends attend and have been asked to check out. Anyway, I went to church at 7p.m. on Friday to watch my friend play. I was there for support. What I didn't know is that they had a guest speaker on this particular night and that I would be sitting there until 10:30 p.m. I also didn't know the guest speaker was a recognized prophet and after her sermon on wealth transfer she would be pointing out members of the audience to notify them that God was talking to her about them. Two of my friends were called upon during this time. I crossed my fingers hoping she wouldn't call on me. Though I can't imagine God has much to say on my behalf if he does speak through this woman. Mostly she made me angry and uncomfortable. Whose to say that she is no different than those self-proclaimed psychics that charge you money for their services? As she was talking I felt like I was reading my horoscope. Generalized worries and thoughts that most people have at some point in their life. I have a really hard time connecting with things of that nature. If I want to be closer to God I'll find my own way and it won't be by means of crystal balls and scare tactics. 
After church we (half of the congregation between 18-26) went to grab food and a margarita for myself. I don't like feeling like I have to censor myself and once I had one drink in me I didn't. It's very hard to feel like you can't connect with people on any level. And I didn't. I'm really ok with that though.
Tonight I met a friend for drinks. We see each other sporadically since he is constantly touring but we always have great conversation. Tonight was a little different because we ran into a friend of his that had an entourage of sorts. The friend of the friend spoke to me in Arabic and told me I was pretty and had nice tits. My friend and I were in agreement that we weren't aware there was an Arabic word for 'tits' and I kind of hate that word. Watching some of them reminded me of college. There were girls getting sloppy drunk and dancing to music while other girls unapologetically made out with random dudes sitting less than a foot away from me. I don't miss college for that reason. 
P.s. Random girl; your butt was hanging out of your pants. Not cute.
Overall, good week. Not too exciting but I'm really ok with that. 

Looking forward to Thanksgiving, the Muppets, hangs with the boy and relaxing. 
Have a fantastic week and Happy Thanksgiving :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

Working on it.

    Have you ever just had one of those days where no matter how someone says something you take it the wrong way? I usually have about two days out of every month where if you look at me funny I want to crawl in a hole and sob. Now I'm thinking that's not exactly normal but that's how I've been functioning for quite some time now. It's one of those things where I have to put a disclaimer on the day and warn those around me that I'm just not feeling like myself. At the time it feels so consuming that I will never get out of it. In reality it's forty eight hours of me being combative and very whiny while crazy thoughts cross my mind. I'm not much fun to be around while this is taking place but at the same time I crave the solace of being around people that are normal that I can imitate. So it's extra hard during this time for me to deal with the disappointment of plans falling through or feeling lonely. Usually by the time I come back to reality I just feel silly for the way I acted, apologize to those affected and tell myself that I won't behave that way again. And then four weeks goes by and it happens all over again. Crazy hormones. 
   Lately I've had a massive urge to go for a walk. A nice casual, easygoing, crutch-free walk. This desire is thwarted by my damn ankle. I can't wait to take casual strolls or jaunts without the awkwardness of the clicking of the metal and stunted hops of my crutches. I have a new found respect for functioning appendages. I think the first thing I will do when I am crutch-free is take a nice little stroll, probably through a store and I will zig-zag through every goddamned aisle of that place (without sweating and breaks). 
   This past week, aside from malingering, I participated in the normal weekly activities of school and internship stuff. I went to Grimey's (the coolest record store Nashville has to offer) to watch an acoustic set played by Defeater. I then had a mild meltdown and went to bed. Saturday I functioned like a normal human being for most of the day. I watched the State game, met my friend for coffee and school work and then went out with some friends for drinks. I hopped through mildly crowded bars cursing at my self for breaking my ankle. I got an invite to a house party and decided to call it a night before I attempted any drunken heroics on crutches. No one wants to see a drunk girl fall down with an already broken ankle. I then had another meltdown thinking about how much I miss my Michigan friends and fell asleep. Sunday was much better in regards to my mental state. I ventured out with my sister to get groceries which I will never do again on crutches. My palms are now calloused like that of a lonely, sexually deprived teenage boy. 
   This week I struggled with patience and self-worth. I don't like not being able to do things for myself as it is but when I am physically incapable of doing those things I feel pretty much worthless. I beat up on myself a lot. I am very thankful that I have people in my life to help me put things in perspective. I hope they know how much they are appreciated. 
Things to look forward to: this coming Wednesday will mark the end of my Wednesday classes. City and Colour will be in town on Thursday. I have two more Monday classes to attend and about forty hours left at my field placement. Hotdog! Thanksgiving is coming up soon which means two things; I get like 5 days off and I get to see my boyfriend. Lastly, three weeks from Wednesday I have another appointment with my surgeon at which point I am crossing my fingers hard that I will no longer have to deal with these crutches. Then i won't have anything to complain about, right? Ahaha. 
Have a wonderful week.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The things we learn on accident.

In the event that this semester of school is wrapping up I've thought a lot about education and the things that I've learned over the last four months. Not only have I learned some of the fundamentals of a master's level social worker I've also gained some knowledge that I didn't really intend to, but that's the best way, right?
Well for starters I have learned that even outside of high school, a large group of women spending a lot of time together in a strenuous program is a recipe for passive aggressive disaster. People talk about other people behind their backs, catty remarks are made and in the Southern way things are done, everyone is still all smiles. Now, I'm just as guilty as the next female for doing things like that because, let's be honest I'm judgmental. I try not to voice my opinions aloud when it comes to my peers at school but every so often I'd get roped in with the best of them. Typically it would be in regards to their diminished intellect or 'better than you' attitude (we have a group of 'Heathers') but I admit sometimes I'm an asshole. That being said, I kept my remarks mostly to myself and just did a lot of listening and sometimes defended those I felt needed it. I just try to keep in mind that some of them probably have some not so desirable opinions about me but I learned to keep my mouth closed. 
I've also learned that people in the South in a classroom setting are some of the rudest fucking people I have ever witnessed. I find myself getting annoyed on a daily basis with student's constant chatter and whispering while the professor is talking or other people are presenting. I'm not quiet about that. Several times I have politely turned around and mentioned that I can't hear over their talking. Rude. So rude and I am not paying to listen to girls whispering about how they already know how their boyfriend is going to propose to them and when. No one gives a fuck and I plan to use my Masters to work not to add it on my resume for the 'stay at home mom' position. Shut it. 
This semester I've learned the difference between a social worker and a psych major fast tracking it to become a therapist. Social work is about social justice, if you're not interested in using your clinical skills to better the lives of individuals that are struggling get out. 
I'm going to change directions here because at this point I'm just getting sassy and annoyed.
I've learned what it feels like to break your ankle in two places and dislocate your foot. It's not comfortable nor ideal but it's definitely not the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. I still think crutches could be used as a form of torture if you needed to get creative with your methods. Think about it, no permanent marks or damage but they are frustrating to the point of tears for the first few days.
I've also learned a few things about myself this semester with regard to my personality and things that I do that annoy me. I need to work on keeping myself in check and valuing people for what they have to offer even if it they annoy the crap out of you. KEEP AN OPEN MIND! Noted.
And lastly, I've learned how very easy it is to keep a relationship going with someone who wants it to work as much as you do. I've learned this lesson with friends since I've lived away from them. It became evident to me again when I realized that I've made it through a semester and the relationship I am in has only gotten stronger. Maybe I'm a bit sentimental because I spent all weekend with the boy and he just makes me so friggin happy but it's true when I say if you want it to work and you both put the effort into it, it will work. And communicate. Holy geez text messages are not successful at portraying inflection, just keep that in mind (Shannon) before jumping to conclusions. 
So, I'd say in four months I was pretty productive at gaining some knowledge and not just through book learnin'. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Orange rhyming dictionary

This week I've been awfully contemplative when it comes to my interactions with people. At my field placement I wondering if I sound like an asshole because more than once I have critiqued an assessment or documentation in regards to the agency that was written by one of my supervisors. Crap. How am I supposed to know? Interactions with my classmates are limited to discussions of how ready everyone else is to be done with this semester because everyone there appears to be pretty burned out. Interactions with my friends were scarce this week due to me trying to cram in a bunch of things I needed to get done before leaving town for the weekend. I've had several more interactions with strangers than I have ever wanted to because my crutches are cause for conversation even if I don't want to converse. When I'm asked what happened I get a lot of 'skateboarding? hmm' looks after they look me up and down and wonder what my chubby ass was doing on a skateboard. That's when I feel the need to explain that I've been doing it for years in order to sound less like a turd.  No matter how it's said I'm sure people have their judgments. 
To say that this week has been easier would be an understatement. I (FINALLY!) got that disgusting cast off on Wednesday to have it replaced with a walking boot. Oddly I still don’t get to walk like a normal person because my surgeon said that even though my ankle is healing fantastically the tendons and ligament need more time before I put weight on them. I did get to see xrays and I have a large metal plate, 7 pins and a massive screw in my ankle. So, I have at least five more weeks on my crutches BUT I get to take the boot off to shower and sleep which is SO much better than putting a bag on my foot and oddly dancing around the shower. I have to stand like a flamingo still but it’s worth it. I’m glad I have pretty stellar balance. The incision looks grotesque as well as the rest of my leg which is bruised and swollen still which is apparently normal. As soon as the cast came off I nearly vomited looking at the state of my leg, hairy, bruised and shedding 2 weeks’ worth of dead skin. Not a pretty sight, trust that. The stitches were removed and I was excited to get home and shower. Bending my ankle was so strange and foreign, I mean to the extent that my ankle could bend. I’ve gotten used to the crutches and I get around pretty well even though my wrists and palms get sore. I’m hoping the weeks go fast and I will be back to walking soonish. Just in time for break from school and travels and crappy weather oh and then physical therapy which is probably going to ruin my plans to crash with the bf during our break from school. Sweet.
This weekend just involved a lot of being a responsible student and studying with Jason. He’s really good at keeping me on track because he’s so motivated to study. Our downtime was involved being lazy and ordering pizza and him taking very good care of me. I’m a lucky girl.
I spent time and had a lengthy conversation with a friend on Friday night after getting into town. We’re new friends so we’re still getting to know each other. The conversation turned out a lot like most of the conversations I have with people, a lot of listening and then turning it into an accidental therapy session. This is a common happening when it comes to friends and I. Not only do I prefer it that way, I’m beginning to accept the fact that I have a natural proclivity to therapize (that’s not a word per se but it’s one that therapists use anyway). I’d rather not talk about me because most times I just come across as awkward and make noises in place of real words.
Anyway, a little less than 3 weeks until Thanksgiving and basically the end of my semester. That will then be followed by the longest sigh of relief that has ever escaped a human body.
Have a great week, I’m going to just try to survive my busy week ahead.