Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Hide the tube socks cos she'll be there

Have you ever stopped and thought about the way things in your life are going and wondered if things got better would it throw the Earth off its' axis? I don't remember the last time things in my life have felt so balanced and so optimistic at the same time. Sometimes it makes me nervous about what's to come, do all good things have to come to an end? Am I going to get thrown a curve ball and have to figure out how to hit a homerun? The major worries that I have had since moving to Nashville seem to be dissolving and things have begun to fall into place. Getting into grad school was a major relief, finding a summer job (even though the pay is terrible) decreased my stress level and maintaining my old and new friendships I don't feel will be a problem considering both sides are putting in the work.
So, it is now Tuesday May 31st, 2011. Today is the last day of my 10 month contract at Johnson school. Today is a day I didn't feel would ever come at some points during the school year. Throughout these 10 months I have spent much time and energy worrying and complaining about the level of functioning at the school. Many efforts were made to plant seeds in these kids only at times to have bleach poured on the soil from teachers and parents that just don't seem to understand the mental processing of adolescents. I struggled daily trying to understand the logic behind decisions that were made by the adults in my client's lives and much of it was nonsensical. Reflecting back on my time spent at the school I have learned a few things. One being there is a negative side to teachers' unions. Two being that no matter what efforts I make and the progress that ensues I have no control over anyone else's actions and need to prepare the best I can for the worst possible scenarios while still trying to be optimistic. Other than that I made some really good friends and acquaintances at work and will only continue to grow and develop as a social worker and keep on truckin'. 
As for the week I spent it waiting for Thursday. When Thursday came nothing else mattered. My amazing friends from Michigan drove 8 hours to spend time with ME. All that way to spend 4 days in my company which is flattering I think. It made me feel loved. My friends and I spent the weekend playing putt putt (which I continue to suck at), seeing the Hangover 2 and drinking excellent varieties of beer. We made fun of each other and enjoyed each others company. We spent some time at the lake too which made me feel as close to home as I could get. It was a fun, relaxing weekend and it just felt natural and normal to be around them. They have no idea how much they ground me and keep me motivated. My best friend keeps me sane and standing on my own two feet due to her support and input. There were a lot of laughs, a lot of talks about sex and relationships and Michigan and old times. I sometimes worry though that they'll think that I've changed. I mean I have changed some but I think mostly for the better. They are amazing people that are accepting and not judgmental. They support my decisions and encourage me to do the things I really want to. I love my friends and wouldn't trade them for anything. I want them to be as happy as possible and allow me to continue to be a part of their lives. 
 On a related note it's hard to have friends judge or be unsupportive. It hurts finding out that your friend make assumptions or thinks negatively of you. I understand that from the outside looking in things can get pretty skewed but sometimes you just have to let your friends make their own decisions and just stand behind them. Unless they're contemplating heroin addiction or suicide then maybe a little push in a different direction would be acceptable. Sometimes it's just straight up none of their business and regardless of their thoughts on the matter they have no place saying anything even if the motive is a means if protection. Sometimes it feels like some people in my life lack faith in my decisions. I'm 25 and though I don't have everything figured out I have lived a little and have learned some things. My growth as a person should not be stifled because you don't support my decisions or think my actions are in my best interest. I'm making the decisions for myself so they are for me alone. Let me learn. That may rub people the wrong way but at this point, fuck it I don't care. I'll get over it and move on, soon I'm sure. 
Lately I've been thinking about relationship dynamics and how one person can effect another person. Take laughter for example (thats not a dynamic I know just serves the purpose for this), it's contagious. When you're around a person that is laughing and smiling and happy they tend to improve your mood. When you're around someone that's often negative and a naysayer you may see things in a more negative light (or they'll just annoy you). I want to be around people and spend time with people that are interested in self improvement and change. I want to surround myself with people that think critically and have their own opinions about things. Most of all I just want to be around people that have a great capacity for love and positivity. People that have those qualities make me a better person. A person that I have recently gotten close to makes me optimistic about people in general. I just stay happy and look at things in a different way than I normally would. This person makes me want to try new things and be more adventurous and experience life how I think it was meant to be experienced. When you find people that can bring that out of you it should be taken advantage of and you should keep that person close. I want to be one of those people. 

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