It's funny because on the outside it looks like great things are happening (and they are great things) but they are overwhelming things. I'm choosing field placement, I'm attending classes for a Masters degree I am one step closer to obtaining. I am discussing my next big move and taking a relationship to the next level, in a matter of months. I get so ahead of myself though and it's really hard to focus on the day-to-day stuff. I feel like for the most part I'm doing a really good job staying on top of things but there's a voice telling me that I'm going to fuck it up. Pesky irrational voices. It worries me because with all of the exciting things to come I feel less happy. I'm assuming that's just the anxiety looming that's not allowing me to stay positive but I wish it would just shut the hell up every once in a while.
Sometimes I just wish things were certain. Like without a doubt, for sure, meant to be, perfect, never-wavering, set in stone certainty. Nothing in life is certain so I suppose I just have to make the best decision for me with the evidence and supporting facts. Shut the hell up, logic.
Ok, enough of the introspective, anxious crap that never goes away.
This week was relatively boring, as are most weeks in graduate school. On Monday I went to class, bought new gym shoes and then went to 12th and Porter to go see my friend play bass for Natalie Stovall. It's country, which doesn't typically get me psyched but she's talented and it's fun to watch your friend work when it consists of a bass guitar and lots of noise. On Tuesday I immersed myself in plenty of work over the 8 hours at my internship. Wednesday consisted of babysitting and getting home way too late to have to wake up at 7 a.m. but it's always worth the money. Babysitting always makes me think about parenting and having children of my own. Hanging out with smart, 'normal' kids always makes me very of aware of why women go through the whole birthing process. Kids are amazing. Working at the residential for years gave me a different perspective and turned me off to the whole idea but now I'm beginning to understand. It's just a matter of not messing up your kids too badly even though parenting is the hardest job a person could have. Thursday was another 8 hour day back at the placement. Friday consisted of more internship, meeting with my advisor and then my first day back at the gym. The gym wasn't too awful. I have to do low impact stuff so elliptical, bike, stair climber,etc. I walked a mile on the treadmill on Saturday after doing the other stuff. It was the slowest mile I have done, ever. I need to start goal-setting when I go so I can see improvements. Mostly I want my left ankle to bend like my right one. And to get up to the point where I can run. I understand the process and how long it may take but after 3 months of inactivity I am just thankful to get back at it.
I'm looking forward to being productive over the next two weeks and then going up to Louisville to see J for his birthday. Present and crafts are done and ready to go, now I just need to not mess up his birthday cake when it's time to make it. We shall see how that goes.
My brain is pretty much done with studying for the night. It's ready to watch mindless crap on television or to read a non-school book. First I need to leave Ugly Mugs in order to do that. Quite possibly my favorite coffee shop in Nashville thus far, I just wish they were open later.
Have a wonderful week, I hope I can do the same.
side note... I spend wayyyy too much time on www.apartmenttherapy.com
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