Those days you felt alive.

Over this last week there was a lot of self-indulgent, psychoanalytic thinking going on, more so than usual at least. I've concluded what I always conclude; you are the only person on Earth that cares your roots are showing, your hair is a mess, your necklace doesn't go with your outfit, etc, boys are boys and will simply be that no matter what age (and they are simple), and finally I need to shut up talking (to myself)...work joke..ahem.

On the first point; I'm not a teenage girl anymore and I am not the center of the universe so I need to just stop worrying so much about the vain, narcissistic crap that I worry about.

On the second point; men are simple, much more simple than women want to believe they are and I have known this for a while. Men don't send subliminal messages, subtle hints or gesture they hope are interpreted as something more deep than what the gesture is. If someone sends you an email or a file it doesn't mean 'I miss you' it means 'hey check out this sweet band you may or may not like.' No matter how much you want it to have a deeper meaning, it really doesn't. Hypothetically of course. Even if the band is perfect and fits your taste to a T. I'm going to stop obssessing and tearing up while making dinner, and cleaning the bathroom, and typing this. Done.

On the third point (hallejiah we moved on); STOP talking about things and just do them. I will just go with it, do the things I plan to do and move on.

THURSDAY!-->

The week went quickly and I was glad for it. I left work on Thursday with my feet on fire, I could not get out of there fast enough and home to change and leave for Knoxville. The Thursday show made me remember why I love that band so much and why no matter how uncool or ridiculous it is I will love and support them until they quit. I think everyone has that band (or 5) that they connect with to the point that you could play 'finish the lyrics' for their entire discography. Thursday is one of those bands for me. I still remember when I got a burned copy of 'Waiting' from my friend Dustin the summer of 2002 before my senior year of high school. After that I was hooked and there was no going back. For me they are one of those bands where I get that tingling anticipation right before I see them live and when they play I don't care where I am or what's going on around me. That's when I feel most like me, when I feel most alive. I'll sing at the top of my lungs and dance like no one's watching, start conversations with strangers like I'm the most social person around and not care if sweat is smearing mascara under my eyes. There are very few instances in life where that feeling appears and can remain for a great length of time. I wish there were more things in life that made me feel like that but I suppose if I always felt that way it would just be the norm and not something I can look forward to. (I realize I end sentences with prepositions sometimes and it bothers me but I'm just lazy and won't fix them.) I digress. The show was fantastic and completely worth the 2.5 hour drive. Now on the way home I feared for my life for about 75% of the drive. Between sheets of rain being dumped on my car to the point of not being able to see the hood and driving through winding, mountainy roads that looked as if the hills could contain those creatures from Wrong Turn 2 I was a bit of a wreck. My friend texted me to let me know there were tornadoes spotted in Hermitage and to be careful....I went through every scenario in my head of what I would do if I saw a tornado whilst driving. I came to the conclusion that I would find a culvert and climb inside. Then I realized I don't remember even seeing culverts since I've moved to Tennessee and pretty much I'm going to get swept up into the tornado and hope to be dropped to safety by that compassionate beast. Tornadoes have feelings too.

After getting home I was excited that I had lived to enjoy my three day weekend. Twas fantastic with hangouts and UFC and laughs. Some of the conversations involved one of the guys pooping in the back of a pick-up stemming from a statement I had made about feeling destructive...that's just gross and not very destructive. I wouldn't put it past one of them to do it though.
So as my weekend comes to a close I am dreading work tomorrow but know that I am one week closer to Spring Break...yes!

Now back to listening to that album for literally the fifth time today. And refraining from crying of course. Can't I just stay mad?

Seeing Thursday made me this happy:

This never ending conflict....this never ends

If I gave this week an energy level on a scale of 1-37 it would have been at about a 4 for most of it. I'm guessing it was the drastic weather change we've recently had and a rash of germs my body has been exposed to and is attempting to fight off. Body: 1, Flu: 0. (so far)
The week was pretty mellow until it hit Friday mostly because I was boring and unmotivated. My friend yelled at me for being lazy at the skatepark so I proceeded to tell him 'I quit' and left. Positive and sunny I was not. Friday rolled around and as much energy I was lacking I was bound and determined to go have fun. I even made up a game to play at the bar that we have sadly become regulars at which is nothing to brag about for sure. I developed a 'Hillbilly Scavenger Hunt' in order to keep us more observant of our surroundings. Next week we will involve more people and complete the checklist, I don't care if it takes all night.
My Mom and Aunt got here Friday as well but they were occupied until Saturday.
You don't talk politics from the backseat with me behind the wheel, that was the first mistake. The second was responding at all while my Aunt and sister talked about universal health care and how Obama sucks. My mom was smart to stay out of it...I wanted to pull the car over and kick them out. The south has gotten to my sister, she's spent too much time with all of these conservatives. Sometimes I wonder how I was birthed into the same family as some of these people. There were also several talks about society, children and the social welfare system (my Aunt works at HeadStart) and stereotypes. Needless to say I'm at odds with my family on a lot of it.
Spending time with my Mom and Aunt all weekend made me think a lot about getting older and wondering if my sister and I will be like them. The two of them together is hilarious. Neither of them could navigate their way out of a parking lot without calling Jill or I for help. They spent 45 minutes in a parking garage looking for their rental car at 1am in downtown Nashville. My Aunt said it was like the 'blonde leading the blonde' they are also Polish, not that it necessarily means anything but genetically I may be in trouble. It was really nice spending time with family and showing them around all weekend. I even ended the weekend shopping with my sister and trying yet another sushi place, twas delicious. I bought more clothes, pretty soon I may need an intervention. Or a bigger closet.
This coming week means dinner dates and driving to Knoxville to go see Thursday play Full Collapse in it's entirety. I am so frickin excited!! It also means that I am off of work on Friday and will only be working 4 days this week. Even Better! Spring break is coming soon too and a possible trip to Michigan or somewhere...

Ridiculous text of the week: (my friend waiting to go to the bar)
Paul*: Alright hurry up I have babies to kiss and bitches to catch
Paul: Update: deucing @ Outback then going to the Nail
*I don't understand how this man is married or has friends, or how I am one of them. On a regular basis he tells me he needs to or is pooping. It's time to make friends with girls I think.

>>>>>>Including the Hillbilly Scavenger Hunt list if anyone else lives in the South and would like to attempt, hell you could probably do this in Yale, Mi.

o  Home-made fix on a truck (including but not limited to duct tape, plastic sheets, vice grips, plywood, etc.)

o  NASCAR/NRA stickers on a vehicle

o  Wrangler jeans

o  Bib overalls

o  Lynyrd Skynryd Tee Shirt

o  Camouflage article of clothing (excluding a hat)

o  Cowboy hat

o  Mullet

o  She-mullet

o  John Deere belt buckle

o  More than two teeth missing on the same row

o  Confederate flag article of clothing

o  Visible facial bruising (female)

o  A can of SKOAL

o  Butt crack (male)

*Have a lovely week :)

Saint Valentine vs the Green Eyed Monster

Is it just me or is Valentine's Day on steroids this year? My friend told me it's because people in the South are just more caring so they celebrate it bigger than in the North. I'm not sure about all that. Surprisingly I'm not bothered by it at all this year which is awesome. Though flowers would be pretty sweet just because I want some in my apartment... preferably lilies. *ahem*
The week went by fairly quickly and with two more snow days from work I can say it was pretty damn sweet. It was freezing earlier in the week and it ended at 65 degrees, I can't complain about that. I'm getting very excited for spring and maybe even running outside...though I've grown used to the treadmill and the consistency of the gym. We'll see.
This week there were a lot of hangouts and bars involved (see previous post). Last night I went to the Hard Rock for a showcase, which is from what I gather where up and coming artists play to meet douchey managers or label reps. Mostly it looked like a lot of people all dressed up in the country scene uniform and then there were the people that didn't go there to hear themselves talk. It was obvious who was there for what. That was the second showcase I have been to and I can say I'm not really a fan, nor can I get into country music. I've really tried to keep an open mind about it but I just kind of hate it. I mean it's awesome that people have the balls to put themselves out there like that. One of the girls that performed last night was super pitchy and terrible and every time she jumped around you could see her spanx and vag. Not impressed.
This weekend has confirmed that I DO NOT want a dog or pet that depends on me of any kind. Jill's dog for 48 hours is enough for me. She is the devil with a cute face.
This week is another I hope to go quickly and it will involve sushi as a payment for taking care of aforementioned dog and seeing my MOM!!! Who will be here for the weekend, not to see me but to see Lady Antebellum whom I just heard of and they apparently at the Grammys tonight. Oh well, I'll get to spend some time with her and my Aunt and there were talks of shopping which I'm always a fan of with my Mom. I know it's only Sunday but c'mon Friday!!

Owl always be there.........oh wait.

'You can do it put your ass into it'......Wait weren't these people just line dancing five minutes ago? What the hell is this?
The strangest thing I have ever seen is a transition from country music to ghetto rap on the same dance floor. As soon as it hits 11pm the bar we were at went from Garth Brooks to Ice Cube and seizure inducing strobe lights. Nobody left the dance floor they just changed positions from facing one another looking proper and country to ass to crotch grinding and 'getting low.' Yikes. It was like in Mean Girls how Lindsey Lohan's character imagines scenarios in the jungle, everything animalistic and hostile like the fight scene in the cafeteria. I thought that's what was happening. Honestly it was surreal.
There was a pretty large mix of people I was a little overwhelmed by the combination of mullets, Wrangler jeans and sports bras being worn as shirts. As interesting as the sights were I have zero interest in going back to that place. My friend was informed I pick the place next week and it won't involve line dancing or ass shaking.
Nashville is a weird, weird place but I'm getting used to it.
The snow this week made me wish for spring that much harder, though snow days are kind of sweet. It's definitely sunnier here compared to Michigan which helps my mood considerably during the winter, now if I could get my mind off of the stuff it doesn't need to be on. Right now I'm just playing the waiting game for school and am trying to figure out how I am going to pay rent and eat during the summer since I won't have a job come June. Hopefully by then it will be warm enough that sleeping in my car won't be too bad. (kidding?) I'm sure I'll find something even if it means a few part time jobs put together. Though I'm hoping this Rocketown thing pans out and they need a case manager, that would rock my face off but I won't know anything for a while. Also waiting on news from my Prof about an internship for Davidson county or just an assistant position....everything is so up in the air right now I'm likely to go nuts. It's good practice for me to pretend like I don't have control issues. 
It's only been since New Years but I need to plan a trip to see my best friend. It feels like it's been forever, maybe it's just with everything that's going on with both of us we are both in need of some best friend support. Usually this entails bitching about boys over beers and making cracks on everything ever. I vote she just moves down here along with a few other people I really miss. Then when I leave Nashville they can come with me like a traveling circus. We'll relocate every few years like we're in witness protection. Maybe I'll even take along a few people that I've met here. 
Again this week I wondered how much money I could get if I just sold off all of my stuff, excluding clothing and car, and took off toward one of the coasts, preferably one that has good hideouts for the homeless because that's where I'd be. However, of all people I know that leaving doesn't change or help anything when your problems are with something totally unrelated to geography. One could dream though. Maybe the first step is a passport and an Ebay account, just in case.
It's funny that even when you replace something it never seems to quite look the same as the former piece. Maybe I have buyer's remorse. Maybe I just need a lobotomy.

every beautiful, complicated, neurotic part...

'So I just got stuck with a bunch of Xanax and I'm trying to get rid of them.'
It's 2 a.m. at a Steak and Shake in Hermitage and we're being offered drugs by an ethnically confused white guy in a FUBU jersey and tilted cap. He was pacing the aisle between booths and asked if we wanted some Xanax, the three of us looked at each other confused and had him repeat himself. After declining we joked about giving them to my friend's wife. The dealer told us to stop talking about it. "Ya'll quit talking about it." I find a drug dealer with a Southern accent one of the funniest things ever. Who asks random strangers in a public place if they want to buy drugs? C'mon man.The rest of the weekend was spent people watching at dive bars and UFC at BDubs.
The work week  left much to be desired and I pretty much wished for Friday to come by early Tuesday morning. I'm glad to have the coworkers that I do but I think I'm just a bit burned out with direct care. I think I say that every week though.
My weekly Netflix obsession is Skins the original British version. It's ridiculous but I kind of love it and the accents and the slang just make it that much better. It's like a sexed up version of Degrassi with more drugs and profanity but wayyyy better music.
Currently reading Sellevision by Augusten Burroughs.
I'm loving that it's February and I'm not trudging through snow or scraping my car off in the morning. We'll add that in the 'Pro' column for Nashville. At this point now I'm just waiting for a response from UT and then I'll know if I'm here for two more years. Just trying to look at the positives on the living situation. I still very much appreciate being able to live on my own.

I hate that I can't be there for my best friend when she needs someone. It's made the distance seem impossible. Distance seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life over the last few years. That whole 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' is a big load of crap. It's kind of funny though because it was a choice of mine to create that distance, physically and emotionally. We're getting a bit too serious now...
On a different note I'm getting a refund back from my taxes and I'm only actually going to touch 10% of that and using the other 90 for bills/debt. But with that I will be applying for a passport. I don't know when I'll actually use it but you just never know.