Have you ever just had one of those days where no matter how someone says something you take it the wrong way? I usually have about two days out of every month where if you look at me funny I want to crawl in a hole and sob. Now I'm thinking that's not exactly normal but that's how I've been functioning for quite some time now. It's one of those things where I have to put a disclaimer on the day and warn those around me that I'm just not feeling like myself. At the time it feels so consuming that I will never get out of it. In reality it's forty eight hours of me being combative and very whiny while crazy thoughts cross my mind. I'm not much fun to be around while this is taking place but at the same time I crave the solace of being around people that are normal that I can imitate. So it's extra hard during this time for me to deal with the disappointment of plans falling through or feeling lonely. Usually by the time I come back to reality I just feel silly for the way I acted, apologize to those affected and tell myself that I won't behave that way again. And then four weeks goes by and it happens all over again. Crazy hormones.
Lately I've had a massive urge to go for a walk. A nice casual, easygoing, crutch-free walk. This desire is thwarted by my damn ankle. I can't wait to take casual strolls or jaunts without the awkwardness of the clicking of the metal and stunted hops of my crutches. I have a new found respect for functioning appendages. I think the first thing I will do when I am crutch-free is take a nice little stroll, probably through a store and I will zig-zag through every goddamned aisle of that place (without sweating and breaks).
This past week, aside from malingering, I participated in the normal weekly activities of school and internship stuff. I went to Grimey's (the coolest record store Nashville has to offer) to watch an acoustic set played by Defeater. I then had a mild meltdown and went to bed. Saturday I functioned like a normal human being for most of the day. I watched the State game, met my friend for coffee and school work and then went out with some friends for drinks. I hopped through mildly crowded bars cursing at my self for breaking my ankle. I got an invite to a house party and decided to call it a night before I attempted any drunken heroics on crutches. No one wants to see a drunk girl fall down with an already broken ankle. I then had another meltdown thinking about how much I miss my Michigan friends and fell asleep. Sunday was much better in regards to my mental state. I ventured out with my sister to get groceries which I will never do again on crutches. My palms are now calloused like that of a lonely, sexually deprived teenage boy.
This week I struggled with patience and self-worth. I don't like not being able to do things for myself as it is but when I am physically incapable of doing those things I feel pretty much worthless. I beat up on myself a lot. I am very thankful that I have people in my life to help me put things in perspective. I hope they know how much they are appreciated.
Things to look forward to: this coming Wednesday will mark the end of my Wednesday classes. City and Colour will be in town on Thursday. I have two more Monday classes to attend and about forty hours left at my field placement. Hotdog! Thanksgiving is coming up soon which means two things; I get like 5 days off and I get to see my boyfriend. Lastly, three weeks from Wednesday I have another appointment with my surgeon at which point I am crossing my fingers hard that I will no longer have to deal with these crutches. Then i won't have anything to complain about, right? Ahaha.
Have a wonderful week.
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