Hooray for being competent!

Lately I’ve been thinking about little changes. Changes that benefit me, my roommates, my way of functioning, etc. So far the only thing I’ve really concluded is that more sleep would do me some good and to get back on track as far as healthy eating. With everything that I have going on in my life that keeps me so busy there are little things that I can do to head in the right direction. And not in the direction toward crazy-town, which is where grad school wants to send me on a regular basis.

So far the semester has started off on the right foot. All of my classes look like they are going to be interesting and useful. My internship has been going quite well too. I really can't complain about any of it. (YET-ha) Work has been fine as well. I also keep getting things piled on me and have been asked to take the lead on some minor things because apparently I am a very competent individual. Hooray for being competent and extra work.
I did however find out that the trip I was hoping to go on won't be a possibility because of my schedule, my Comps and Jason's spring break. BIG bummer. We are hoping to plan something for the weeks between my classes ending and graduation, pending any job commitments I may have. (If I get a job). We'll figure it out. The plan is to get out of the country and Rome was the idea....I still need to get that passport I've been talking about getting for the last 3 years. Priorities, right?
Super Awesome things to be happy about:
My roommate boyfriend
My best friend roommate
My family
A running car
A great internship
Supportive mentor-types
Not worrying about things that I always worry about

Making positive changes
New clothes and rediscovered shoes
Friends (even if you just have to text)
game nights

<----GRUMPY CAT

Have a wonderful week!

wrapping it all up with a big shiny bow

I've sat down a few times over the past few weeks to write about what I've been up to, but it's much more fun to continue being up to things rather than writing about them. However as this vacation comes to a close I thought it might be time to reflect on these last few weeks of freedom before I get chained to the helm of yet another semester. The beginning of my FINAL semester of graduate school is fast approaching and lately I have been wondering if I'm really ready. I REALLY like 5 week breaks in between semesters and summers filled with jobs that are 8 week long commitments. And as stressful as those semesters are there is always an end date in sight.
Ok, I should stop thinking about school before it has even begun. 
These last few weeks have been awesome. They have been filled with late nights, lots of time with my best friends and a lot of irresponsibility (my version of it anyway, I'm still a worrier, lets be honest). My best friend and I watched a lot of bad tv, we went to the movies without the lingering guilt about reading and papers, I read Bossy Pants by Tina Fey (I now love her more if that's even possible) and The Visible Man by Chuck Klosterman. I spent mornings on the couch with my giant mug of coffee and reading the news on my computer. I did all of the things I usually reserve for the weekends that I don't have to work. I made a piece of art for my roommate for Christmas that turned out well (which is a miracle considering how abysmally crafty I am). Jason and I traversed Michigan for 5 days only spending more than 24 hours in one location, it was fun but towards the end I was ready to come back home. We all spent New Years Eve together eating breakfast, cleaning the house and seeing Django Unchained before abusing our livers with alcohol while ringing in the new year. 

That pretty much brings it to today, the first day of the new year. 
I'm not really one for New Years' resolutions, mostly because I consistently fail at them. After 27 years you kind of have to know to just give up the ghost, its not going to happen. I do like the thought of having an opportunity to reflect on the last year and evaluating how things went, what you hoped would happen, what worked out in your favor, etc. I was a very lucky girl in 2012 and I hope that luck continues. l have a great house where I live with my amazing boyfriend, my best friend and the 2 best cats and 3 best chickens any girl could ask for. I live in a city that seems to mostly match my way of thinking and provides a lot of adventure and exploration in the future. I have an amazing family that I see less of than I prefer but whom I think about constantly. And I have plans, things to look forward to and several goals to obtain. Even on my worst days where I let my anxiety get the best of me I still have so many things to keep me going and for that I am thankful. I have achieved a lot of things in 2012 and have learned even more. I just know that want to be braver, smarter and even more driven in the year to come and obviously keep kicking ass. 
So 2013, let's kick some ass. 

all I want for Christmas

Sitting here with my giant mug of coffee watching the news makes me happy that I have some time off. Actually, I don't have to go back to work until Saturday. I may end up at my internship for some of those days, but let's be honest, I have a hard time staying idle. Watching netflix for several hours a day just doesn't seem like a great option. 
Since finishing this semester I've been working and making money so I can get to Michigan for the holidays. I was kind of a weird week with family health issues, that appear to be resolved and the discovery that a former client of mine in Michigan died. The client was not one that I became very close with, though some of my coworkers may have, however it is still sad news to hear. He was constantly in trouble after leaving the facility I worked at which goes to show you can't make a difference in all of them, even though you hope that you do. 
In the absence of school work we have decorated the house for Christmas, lights on the outside and a decorated tree and stockings. It's been nice to have a tree and turning the lights on when it gets dark, kind of puts you in better spirits. In the absence of work I have also lost the ability to think critically about much or feel intellectually stimulated. Though I have started reading Chuck Klosterman's second novel, The Visible Man. 
I've had trouble answering the question, 'what do you want for Christmas?' I have no freaking idea. I don't need anything. The only thing I want is to get a job once I graduate. That's it. Maybe it can be a very delayed present courtesy of a Louisville nonprofit. 
For the next few weeks I hope for a safe visit to Michigan (maybe with some snow). Seeing some family and friends. Relaxing, eating too much, having fun and smiling. I would love to be able to drink and dance at Jerry Green's club but that may not be in the cards before we head North. I need an excuse to dress up and get fancy for a night.
All I want for Christmas is the following:
Family and Friends
Safe travels for the people I love
Quality time
No stress
and everyone to be happy

Not too much to ask for, right? 

Little bitty update

I'm so very close to being done with this semester......BUT I'm not quite done yet so I'm going to keep this short and sweet. 
This week I spent much of my time doing the same things as normal. Work, school work and internship stuff. On Tuesday I went to Frankfort to attend the first External Review Panel meeting on Child Fatality and Near Fatality.  Needless to say, I had a LOT of opinions about that meeting and became discouraged because it was so poorly prepared. There were a lot of informed, intelligent people there but I really wish everyone had come ready and had spoken up.
One of the weeknights I spent on the couch watching the movie 'Brave' and eating ice cream. It was awesome.
At work we have trivia questions and on Saturday it was World AIDS Day so the trivia question was related to the number of people worldwide that have been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS. One man said it was ZERO because HIV is a hoax. I nearly vomited and I'm really glad I wasn't the one that he said it to. It blows my mind the beliefs that some people hold, especially about things that are drenched in evidence. Wowza.
The same day at work I was told I was going to be trained as a shift leader. That means a raise. A very minimal raise but it helps nonetheless.
Today I finished my blog post for my internship which will be posted on Thursday and I also finished up one class. The other two classes have final assignments due tomorrow. Oh happy day. It will be amazing. And I will sleep all day Wednesday and lay around like a sloth.
Also, The Walking Dead, holy crap I can't wait until February.
Things that are awesome or that I am looking forward to include:
End of the semester submissions
Leisure reading
Admission to Candidacy for Graduation
Decorating the House
Driving less
Cats with catnip
Encouraging words
Heading North
70 degree days in December (global warming, schmobal warming)
Heading South?
Free Coffee
Creating things and being crafty
A decrease in stress

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink

It's so dry in my house that every time I pet the cat it gives her and I an electric shock. You'd think I'd learn from it and stop doing it but she's so freaking cute I can't help it. Then I get that MGMT song stuck in my head 'shocked me like an electric eel, baby girl, turn me on with your electric feel' and that's bordering on creepy when I sing that to the cat. I sing to her a lot, badly, but with pure intentions. She’s awesome.

This last week was one high levels of stress and then levels of stress so minute that I wasn’t sure if I should worry about something. So I did. I worried about the house catching fire, someone breaking in, getting into a car accident and wondering if I forgot to turn in an assignment. Clearly I function more rationally when I am very busy and don’t have time to worry about bad things happening. Not that the low amount of stress was bad for me, it was quite enjoyable but I still needed to be engaged in something.

So after leaving a meeting on Wednesday I rushed home to visit with my parents and Aunt and Uncle whom stopped by on their way to Nashville. It was good to see them, just not long enough of a visit, however I will see them for Christmas. Once they got back on the road I immediately went to grab coffee and work on my paper that needed to be submitted before midnight, which was completely attainable since I’d be working on it for the last week. As I was completing a cover page and putting finishing touches on it Microsoft word decided it wanted to give me an aneurysm and shut down. Thankfully I had saved repeatedly in the process and was able to pull it back up after I got home and submitted it. Jason’s Mom and Step-dad had come to town while I was still working and were already there by the time I returned home as was Jen’s Mom. We had a full house and it was interesting to observe the different dynamics since the personalities were composed of a very broad range of individual. That night we drank wine and played games. ‘Twas a fun evening.
Thanksgiving Day was also Jen’s birthday so we celebrated doubly. We had really great food, of which I ate too much, and had birthday cake and watched football. It was nice to have a day committed to not being obligated to be anywhere for anything except to just enjoy the day. We went to the bar after the parents went to bed to get birthday drinks and chat.
Friday I got to sleep in a bit (yes!) and we spent the day getting things to improve the chicken coop and some other home projects. After getting supplies we went to Churchill Downs to check out the last weekend of the fall races. That place is crazy and I can’t believe I’ve lived here for 6 months and haven’t visited. I can understand how someone could waste an entire day there. It’s gambling at its finest and the person watching is amazeballs. I will go back there in the spring and take cash so I can sit and watch horses run in circles while drinking mint juleps or bourbon, smoking a cigar and pretending like I’m Bukowski. I’d say things like “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” Or “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” Oh to be a writer and a drunk.

 The next two weeks I will be dedicating to finishing out the semester strong and really being effective and efficient regardless of how many hours I’m spending at work or my internship. I just need to push through and be a rock star on the rest of these assignments. (as I imagine a stadium of people chanting my name).
I still haven’t figured out when or how I am getting to Nashville and Michigan over the next few weeks but I’m ignoring those thoughts until after all of my work is done. I’m hoping to pick up extra hours at work so I can pay bills, buy presents, etc but I also need to go see family and friends. NEED is subjective, obviously.

Anyhow….things are great. I need to remind myself of that in 6 days when I am on the verge of a mental breakdown due to stress J

Have a fantastic week. 

being awkward: a biographical tale

I'm in the midst of writing a paper and pretending that it isn't due in a few short days. My mind wandered, and it got me thinking. 
I'm fairly sure that most of the people that I have met in the last few years wonder if I even have a personality. The others wonder where it goes 70% of the time. I would consider myself the type of person that warms up very slowly to other people. Very slowly. Unless there is an odd connection or similar interests that creates large amounts of conversation, like music or social work. My best friend and I didn't like each other when we met, slowly over time we became better friends. After 6 years I finally feel comfortable saying anything that is on my mind, anything. I feel that as I've gotten older I've gotten a little better about this, but it is still a slow process. I've also realized then if I don't speak up it just leads to frustration or anxiety. I guess what got me thinking about this was the fact that even though I've been in Louisville for six months now, I don't feel connected to anyone that I didn't already have a connection with before moving. The two people I still confide in are just geographically closer now. It seems that I don't really know how to make friends with people now that I'm older. There are all sorts of people that I have met here that I really like, but it doesn't extend past the context in which we have met. Sometimes I wonder if the conversations I have with some people are just obligatory because it would be rude to be in close proximity and not make conversation. In most social situations I sit there and wonder, in a very adolescent kind of way, if these people have any interest in getting to know me. Then I just remain quiet and look like the shy girl that doesn't have any opinions or I make weird statements because my sense of humor is strange. Then I get all red-faced. I have the opportunity to over-analyze these interactions and wonder if I even want to be around other people. I'm going to end up like Thoreau or Kaczynski and hole up in a shack in the woods doing math problems or writing metaphors about ponds.
I guess it's just really about courage. The courage to be myself around people and make an effort to connect. If I can't do that then I only have myself to blame. I can completely understand how people become shut-ins and collect things like vintage furniture or cats. If given the opportunity I would do both.
Anyway....odd thoughts.
This past week was much of the same. Work, school, work. 
My supervisor has made several remarks about how well I've been doing, my executive director has made remarks about hiring good interns. I blush a lot at my internship lately. 
Last night we went out to celebrates Jen's birthday since her actual birthday is on Thanksgiving. We went to a Moped Thanksgiving potluck where Jen and I both drank our weight in alcoholic slushies. We ate lots of great food and socialized. It was a good time. Jason drove us to the bar and then to another where we danced and people watched. Jen had fun which was the main objective. We've all got family coming down this week so I've made an extensive list of things to do before that happens. Now finding time to complete that list is going to be the interesting part. It will get done. I just need to stop wasting so much time on the internet. Oops.
Things that are awesome:
Booze slushies
Dancing (however awkward it looks)
sleeping in
having 3 weeks left in the semester
coffee
my hetero lifemates (Jason and Jen)
new music
old music
singing in the car
days off
compliments
dressing up
cuddling
comfy sweaters
finger-less gloves

Have a great, overindulgent week :)

Play needs to outweigh work

Lately it's been harder and harder to be productive when I need to be. I did not have a day off this week and it doesn't appear that I will for at least another week unless I can get my shift covered next Sunday. My school work is suffering and I am behind in one of my classes and putting in minimal effort in the other two. I hate to admit that. I've had allergy symptoms for over a week and haven't felt 100% because I'm wearing myself thin. I know there is an end in sight to this but the day-to-day is just rough. I really am liking my internship and I feel like that is the only venue that I am putting in any effort. l'm significantly failing my own expectations. I can feel that ball of anxiety quietly growing and eating away at me, making me question everything else. My bad habits and self soothing techniques are coming to a head making me feel even worse. The only thing I can think about lately is getting out. Plotting my escape route and getting away from all of the stress. I've been craving a trip to Michigan or Nashville but can't figure out a way to make those happen because I feel like all if my time is completely consumed with these other obligations. It's that repetitive cycle of stress and anxiety leading to more stress and anxiety. It doesn't feel good. 
I know the things I'm supposed to do to make stress more manageable, as do most people; eat healthily, exercise, get adequate sleep and take the time you need in order to relax. That's the kicker, it's finding the time. TIME. What a joke. I barely had time to get the tire replaced on my car after it went completely flat from a massive hole was ripped into it after running something over. ugh.
Ok so in an effort to not be completely negative and complain-y, here are some good things:
-we were able to help out a young family after their van ran out of gas, they were super nice and we realized that they lived quite close
-I got new boots, brown...not sure yet if I love them
-I'm going to get to see my parents for Thanksgiving, even for a short while
-I realized tonight that I needed to take a break and my best friend came to the rescue
-My T-Rex necklace is a hit amongst the coffee customers
The week was all work and no play until Friday. We had moped kids over and played Cards Against Humanity. I laughed til my eyes watered during the game and went to bed early because I needed it. I listen to my body sometimes. I'm hoping we can find time to play again soon. 
Sometimes you just need to realize when it's ok to get silly and dance around the house or play games or kick leaves around. When I left work today there was a massive collection of leaves perfect for jumping into. There were people around so I just kind of kicked around as I was walking to my car. The crunching under my converse was a satisfying sound that made me think for just a second that nothing is really that serious right now. My life is relatively easy compared to most, even though I struggle and get down, sometimes you just need to trounce through a pile of leaves to make that smile spread across your face.
I'll make it and by the time May comes around I'll look back and understand the stress and frustration paid off.